Los Angeles Power Outage sends city into chaos

[Fern]

Too funny........

Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos
No electricity for 26 minutes. 'This is our Tsunami.'

By Joshua Gates. Actor, Photographer. Victim.

LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and disbelief swept
through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor
power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone, and local
residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee &
Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi
restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many
businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its
blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said 'out of work'
actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on
Melrose when it, hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman
lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty
ugly."

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting
reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief
supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee & a totally
meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 years old, and we
heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running.
If she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's
going to happen to her; I really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los
Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get
coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners
on site.

"Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin' kidding me?" sobbed local
homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South
Beach Diet, and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this.
Why isn't the rest of the country doing something?"

Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the
thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale
shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where a policeman
told CNN that unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern
that the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced
multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap
and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store
during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel
in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be
sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes
with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in
by The National Guard. Thank heavens.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded
reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that,
"The scope & scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend.
Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal
Studios has been on hold for almost an hour now, & I've been waiting
for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards
of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."

"We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center
as quickly as possible for the simple reason that they have been
through a horrible ordeal," Grant said.

"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha
Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center
when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending
somebody through here."

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers
to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing
DirecTV service to work only intermittently and forcing local
residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking
Pacific from their ocean view decks. "I can hardly begin to put this
experience into words," said seasoned Two and a Half Men writer John
Edlestein . "I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real
headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of
female volleyball players, when my Power Book crapped out. I have
nothing. Simply, nothing."

Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House,
President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional
active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised
relief workers.


"But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a
crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created
tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our
citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in
the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."

"Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt they will
bounce back like this never happened," professed Cellulite Reduction
Specialist, Kim Bellevue. "The therapy sessions could reach an all
time high though."

[Ultra Swain]

It was horrible. I missed my meeting with my life coach. The Kabbalah Center was like the Superdome. Shredded red bracelets everywhere.
Frappacino's melting and we were powerless to stop it. I will be organizing a benefit for my "No Sushi Left Behind" program. Donations are always appreciated. Wasabi doesn't grow on trees you know!
Let the healing begin.
-U.S.

[cbychoice]

I'm sure that there will be a tax exemt charity somewhere,
the cheque will be in the mail,soon.

[soulohio]

i must becoming quite the jaundiced and jaded one...funny, but this disaster story didn't quite have the same impact on me as when i lived in los angeles during the riots....i was outside waiting for the calvary and heard shooting...then went inside and turned on the telly to see the news brodcasting footage of a local business owner located around the corner from my house shooting at looters with a high powered rifle.....things have totally gone tits up in los angeles...

[Smith]

Lts like Lord of the Flies.. How fast man re-traces the steps of evolution..

At least Americans....

New Orleans, LA... Why is that the citizens of this "developed nation" turns barbarians the moment there is a chaos..?

just thinking out loud..

[Ultra Swain]

Wow,You got that whole retracing the evolutionary chain thing from one made up story and well another bunch of blown out of proportion stories? Your good.

[Buzzsaw]

Before you rip LA, remember they have to put up with riots, gridlock, mudslides, drought, earthquake and fires.

Sure they have 330 beautiful days a year. But they earn it, dammit.

[Arctic]

Buzzsaw wrote:

Before you rip LA, remember they have to put up with riots, gridlock, mudslides, drought, earthquake and fires.

Sure they have 330 beautiful days a year. But they earn it, dammit.

Damn, if that's what it takes to earn 330 beautiful days a year, then a good chunk of the third world's been racking up some serious frequent flyer miles.

In fact, where do I cash mine in?

[Ultra Swain]

Can I also add televised police chases, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Bonaduce, and the valley. Oh and the fact you have to valet your car at 7-11. 8 dollar drinks, Silverlake, convoys of wisconsin film students, bad drugs, the guy who pushes an ice cream cart around my block ringing that fucking bell all day. leaf blowers at 7am, parking enforcement, LAPD, those gay-ass faux hawks, ironic t-shirts, hep c inducing beaches, and that "I Love LA" song.