Jokes

[goat balls]

TOP COUNTRY SONGS 17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!

[el3so]

yet more c&p:

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[el3so]

A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.

It was a Shitzu

[shivers]

Three goldfish are in a tank. First one turns to the other two and says "Either of you know how to drive this thing?"

[goat balls]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads".

[goat balls]

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rotweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"

. "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack".

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responded.

The reporter said, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or politician do you like?"

"I'm a Texas Rangers fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy said.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet".

[flipflop]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Cheers

[Slam]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

She decided to hire a gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Outkast]

That's funny.

[coldharvest]

That's funny.

That could be why he chose to post it in the Jokes thread.

[Outkast]

Sometimes I just need more help than the average BFCer...

[maxlando]

Ex Pres Carter, Ex Pres Clinton and Pres Bush were on a plane together on their way to a Texas Barbeque.

Suddenly, the plane crashed, all died and there they were in front of some ficticious supreme being in some other dimension.

the supreme figment asked Carter what his greatest desire was and Jimmy replied, " world peace and food for the hungry poor". the supreme figment told him to take the chair at his right hand.

then Clinton was asked the same question and replied, " Power to the People and forgiveness for my weak flesh". the supreme figment told him to take the chair at his left hand.

when the supreme figment asked Pres Bush, George replied, "I'd like to have your chair".

[Slam]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Vauxhall Nova full of chavs? With a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside.

[el3so]

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.

The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"

"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.

"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

[goat balls]

Great thread.

Good on all of ya for keeping it going.