Jokes

[tlcfj40]

yah, those clog wearing, cieling scraping, tulip fucking Dutch are fair game.

Or the Swedes are a good target as well! Ecch they gave us ABBA, IKEA, Ace of Base, and Volvo.

[Moosehead]

tlcfj40:

Or the Swedes are a good target as well! Ecch they gave us ABBA, IKEA, Ace of Base, and Volvo.

The Swedes are a poor target.

They gave us:

At The Gates, Entombed, Meshuggah and Opeth, some of the greatest metal bands to walk the earth. Do not forget these excellent models of Swedish engineering:

The Saab Viggen

Swedish Bikini Team


In addition, it is unwise to diss IKEA. Not only do they make excellent modular furniture while employing revolutionary shipping/assembly practices, as of 12 hours ago the owner of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad, is the 4th richest man in the world.

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2006-03/12/content_533227.htm

Call me when you make 28 billion dollars from selling end tables. We'll have coffee.

[tlcfj40]

I haven't listened to metal in years (like 20+ years now), so that;s a moot point. LOL

Never had a grudge against the saab.


As for the furniture, I'll stand corrected. But we've all dissed bill gates and/or his microsoft product, and he's worth 50 billion, AND the richest in the world. So there.


And finally, I'll have you know I'm half Swedish (dad's side) so I can make all the fun of them I want to! LOL

[el3so]

another c&p from theHun:

A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub. As often happens in pubs, they began boasting.
The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle".
The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming".

Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people shit themselves!"

[Pam]

A law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.


"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.



After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school.

Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.



Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.



Well, the ADA (American Dental Association) found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.



Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."


The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard, and tore up the
warning ticket.

[Moosehead]

tlcfj40:

I haven't listened to metal in years (like 20+ years now), so that;s a moot point. LOL

20+ years ago? Metal is NEVER a moot point. Dude, it's just starting to get good.

Never had a grudge against the saab.

Good.

As for the furniture, I'll stand corrected. But we've all dissed bill gates and/or his microsoft product, and he's worth 50 billion, AND the richest in the world. So there.

Try and bitch out a futon. I dare you.

And finally, I'll have you know I'm half Swedish (dad's side) so I can make all the fun of them I want to! LOL

As am I. There are better nations to mock.

[tlcfj40]

I guess you could bitch out a futon.

That Scandanavian Black/Death Metal is too intense for my taste. Gotta wonder if those long winters are what make those guys that dark? Or pissed off?

It's funny you bringing up those new bands. I saw a kid in my building sporting a Levi jacket with patches of Deicide, Slayer, Motorhead and some others I'd never heard of. It floored me because I hadn't seen that look in years.


Oh and Behemoth, you posted a pic on here somewhere. Is everyone getting into that King Diamond look now? I vaguely remember KISS tried suing him over it

[coldharvest]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[rhino24]

>For his birthday, little Joey asked for a
>10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
>you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
>& your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
>can afford it."
>
>The next day the father saw little Joey heading
>out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
>"Son, where are you going?" Little Joey told him,
>"I was walking past your room last night and heard
>you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard
>her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
>I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
>$280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[Moosehead]

That there was Nasum, Swedish grind. The singer died in the Thai tsunami, unfortunately that is the last from them.

I'm not much for black metal, makeup and pseudonyms are just too campy. I mean, picture me in white paint running around going "Moosehead, The Destroyer of Parking Meters! URGGHHHHH!" It is not necessary. What is heavier is to show your face, own your music. You don't see B.B. King running around in fuckin' facepaint. Cause he is heavy. Fuckin' heavy.

It's funny you bringing up those new bands. I saw a kid in my building sporting a Levi jacket with patches of Deicide, Slayer, Motorhead and some others I'd never heard of. It floored me because I hadn't seen that look in years.

Where you been livin'? I rock that look whenever I can (last Friday):

Is everyone getting into that King Diamond look now?

Probably. Their cheekbones lack definition.

I vaguely remember KISS tried suing him over it

Sounds like something Gene would do. Too much is not enough.

[tlcfj40]

That sounded pretty good.

I used to see metalheads around here all the time (LA area), then all of a sudden around the early 90's it dried up. KNAC went off the air (but it';s back on the net knac.com), and it seemed it lost steam. Now in the last couple of years I'm seeing people sporting slayer, metallica, motorhead, Zeppelin, Hendrix shirts again. Which is all good with me.

So Scandinavia is where the most of this real heavy stuff is coming from?

I got away from metal mostly listening to blues and my old skool punk.

[el3so]

Now in the last couple of years I'm seeing people sporting slayer, metallica, motorhead, Zeppelin, Hendrix shirts again

Hope you don't mean the "vintage" wearing, beautiful people crowd...

If all stuff would get more valuable by letting it lie around for a couple of annos and dusting it off, I'd be rich

[tlcfj40]

No, not that crowd. I know which ones you're talking about though. I doubt someone would sport a vintage Slayer shirt with the classic line "Do you wanna die?". Or my all time favorite "Reign in Blood".

[flipflop]

God Bless the Irish

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[shivers]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old ! man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."