Jokes

[Chimborazo]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

[AztecDave]

This is my biased favourite joke:


A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ..............there's two of them."

Heard the same joke but was with US Rangers instead. I think the end results would work out the same.

[Chimborazo]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute .

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.

I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten
bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate..
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...
(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

[Caliban]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now......and looking for a girl with big tits.


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It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky,
he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood."

[Moosehead]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

“If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

[Caliban]

I was on the train going to work today.

At the next railway station a Thai girl got on.

She was an absolute stunner, really beautiful with a shapely body and legs.

I couldn't help myself but just had to stare and was very embarrassed when she caught me looking and gave me the most gorgeous smile.

Really embarassed, all I could keep thinking was "Don't get a hard on, don't get a hard on, don't get a hard on"....

Sadly, she did.

[Caliban]

Husband says to wife,

"My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says,

"Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

[Caliban]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've

been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,



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"You've built a GolfCourse ! ?"

[HockeyGuy]

Two Newfies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Hitoru]

What a lame joke, you suck Boooo !

[Sri Lanky]

Hi..my name's Darnell and today we's gonna spell "realize". That's r-e-e-l-e-y-e-s...'cuz yous don't gots glass eyes,yous gots reeleyes.

[friendlyskies]

Hi..my name's Darnell and today we's gonna spell "realize". That's r-e-e-l-e-y-e-s...'cuz yous don't gots glass eyes,yous gots reeleyes.

That joke just gave me a etymological epiphany.

[el3so]

My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

[Caliban]

On that subject -

A blind guy walks into a bar and says to the bar maid "Do you want to hear a really hilarious blonde woman joke?"

Before he can say another word someone taps him on the shoulder and says

"I don't know if you realise it mate but I should warn you that you've walked into a Lesbian bar called blonde on blonde. The manager is blonde and she is a female wrestler, the two door staff are both blonde, the waitress you are talking to is blonde and most of the patrons, especially the bull dykes are blonde and I am the biggest meanest dyke amongst them and I am blonde.

The blind man pauses for a few seconds and says

"mm, ok, I'll tell the joke really, really slowly...."

[HockeyGuy]

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He said in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".