The Bear did it? I knew we should have regulated those bastards a long time ago.
We need an entire Federal Agency to oversee Teddy Bears and the tramatic influence forcing such a violent role model on a child as a pet can have upon public safety. Thats right folks; Teddy Bears Kill and giving your kid such a vicious role model is the same as issuing him a Chucky Doll with an assault rifle and a black trenchcoat before you pack up his lunch and send him off to school.
In fact, we might even need a "Bear Czar."
From here on out, all bears or like animals will be registered and owners rights will not be infringed; they will just need permits for bears The application process will be expertly administered by DhS although certain items on the bear such as teeth,claws and other items will be prohibited except for collectors of Curio and Relics Bears. The "Bear Minimum" Age for ownership will be determined by a lengthy costly think tank, Congressional debate driven lack of decision making process that will ultimately go the US Supreme Court for an almost evenly split decision.
All legally issued bears will no longer be referred to by color as this indicates a hate crime. Black Bears will be African American Bears or Bears of Color. AA or BOC Bears will have an acceptable number of frizzy haired or dreadlock/corn row style furs.
Brown Bears will become Citizen of the Future Bears and nobody better have these guys doing their yardwork. They will be allowed to vote and have their cubs attend schools at public expense even if they fled their natural habitat after fucking it all up. They did such a good job back home, lets welcome them here and give them the right to vote!
Polar Bears are not allowed be be the majority of issued Bears and will Champion the fight against Global Warming in a non violent manner.
The NYPD Program of infiltrating Grizzly Bear Habitats for surveillance will be discontinued because it would be morally wrong to say the truth that Grizzlys attack more people than other bears. Instead, we will embrace the theory that Grizzly Bears led a peaceful and spiritual life until THE MAN, arrived and pushed them into a corner. In other words, it's societies fault that Grizzlys attack, but we wont imply that they can be vicious unless willing to be charged. And for those campers that might spray Grizzly Bears with Mace, well thats a hate crime and the Bear Czar will explore non violent ways of deterring Grizly Attacks by establishing a string of Grizzly Petting Zoos while DARPA researches something like Catnip for Bears and sets up supporting clinics for those bears who turn to this vile substance because of failure to adapt to the changes in habitat stressors THE MAN has brought upon them.
Smokey Says: "Only YOU can stop Bear Violence in schools" And Smokey doesn't mean with a high powered rifle. In fact, Smokey doesn't like the 2nd Amendment either. Smokey will have to lose the Campaign Hat that reflects clear militancy and will become a role model for gay or transgendered bears.
That is all.
"Those who beat their swords into plowshares, inevitably wind up plowing for people with swords".
Jefe: well into a 12 pack of LaBatts Blue (AKA "BlueDevils"