Douchebag Vest

[Magic Wombat]

Ok, so we have all seen this:



I didn't realize until recently how "popular" this thing is. You might as well wear a sign that says "douchebag" on it. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it can be good to be id'd as a journo/aid worker/contractor type, but sometimes it can get you unwanted attention. If you are trying to blend in to the populace this vest makes it near impossible.

So, what other types of shirts/vests/pockety clothing is out there that gives you plenty of carrying capacity, but doesn't scream "kidnap me please!"?

[Mikethehack]

Dunno about the rest of you, but I would routinely wear the vest underneath something else to avoid unwanted attention. It's common sense. However, if I can wear it on the outside, then fine. It depends on how much gear I need to carry and how often I have to reach for it.

I use them and multipocket trousers to help spread the weight around-very handy when I have run and jump over stuff because nothing is worse than an annoying backpack putting all the weight on one part of the body. The only stuff I would have in a backpack is the stuff I don't need instantly.

Any idiot who complains about spending half an hour looking for something in a vest with 20 pockets is obviously an idiot. The smart lads keep the same stuff in the same pockets all the time and have a big enough cerebral cortex to memorise the locations. Simple, simple. I can do it with my eyes closed and can go for the draw quicker than the Duke or the man with no name.

I prefer the big, plastic zips because they are quiet and can be unzipped quickly, plus they aren't buggered up by dirt and are basically more robust than the metal variety. Strong velcro is handy, but damned noisy. Soft, clip-on plastic buttons are not bad, but avoid the metal ones. They are shiny, noisy and metal detector sensitive.

The good ones have a strong inside lining because the light stuff wears away too quickly. They also have big pockets in the back where you can put large A4 pads or bits of metal in extremis.

The vests are also very useful for travel, especially airports or buildings with lots of metal detectors. You can put all of your things that go 'ping' in them and sail past the radiographers and Diana Ross fondlers.

The downside is that they excite the trigger-happy boys on checkpoints and other places, so you learn to watch for the signals and get used to stripping down when the guns come up and the safety clips come off.

As for blending in? Are you fucking mad? They are great for blending in-if you are at a fly fishing competition or are an electrician, rigger or carpenter.

Kidnapping? What the fuck do you know about kidnapping? They won't make much of a difference. Your skin colour and other clothes will be one big red bulls eye. Another will be the fact that you aren't from the hood. That's good enough for most. More Iraqis were kidnapped by other Iraqis for money than any amount of Westerners ever were. They weren't worth the effort or the hassle. If you want a quick buck, kidnap a local. They are a quick flip investment for a few grand (in and out in a few days) and are better than waiting four long years for payback on a Westerner, if ever.

[Tonne]

I don't hang out in places like Iraq and the lot, but in Africa I always went with those ripstop GI pants, khaki or green. Large pockets that save you a daypack. I managed to fit in half a litre of water, large map, cellphone, compass, headlight, cigarettes, paper&pen, loose cash, folding knife, small language guide, and at times even the Bradt Congo-guide. It didn't look stuffed at all and was quite comfortable. A banged up button-down shirt a few sizes too big overneath the t-shirt to hide the glock knife (best tool to open a beer ever) on the belt, and kept a big wallet with passport, money, documents underneath it on a sling. Unreachable for pickpockets. They tried but didn't even manage to open the pants' hidden buttons on the cargo pockets.
So, no need to buy this vest at all.

But to be real cool psd-style one should get 5.11 pants, a vest with at least some molle webbing, oakley sunglasses (or shrapnel-proof revision omfg Delta!!!) and a tactical cap with a nationality velcro patch and IR-reflectors on its back. Maybe a blood patch. Small backpack with molle all over the place and camelbak. Of course, don't forget the obligatory shemag that will make you blend in with the locals, nobody will ever see the westerner in you, no matter where you are from Kenia to Pakistan. It don't matter if the locals wear turbans, it will blend in nevertheless. Grow a beard that gives you that hardboiled sof operator look. Be cautious that everything you buy has a label on it that says "tactical", eg tactical pants, tactical cap, tactical "assault" pack, tactical folder, tactical watch (forgot, luminox navy seal), tactical stealth boots. Never wear black boots, they always look desert. A little multicam in your kit is not bad either. Before you take a flight stow your kit in a pelicase. If you really ARE a psd-contractor and actually work with guns be sure your secondary is stuffed in a serpa-dropleg holster on each leg (it IS low profile, perfectly suited for operating covertly even if it doesn't look like it at the first glance!) and you primary all covered with picatinny railage, got at least two lights, three lasers, a tango down foregrip and a bipod. sopmod m4-stock even if it's an ak. Only magpul mags. When will there be a tactical fashion week in Milano?

Sorry for kind of hijacking the thread but had to let it out. I am seriously p!ssed by this tactimania that often seems to be more about fashion than functionality and looks sooo ridiculous, people almost collapsing under their tactical loadout.

[Magic Wombat]

Tonne, let it all out man, its therapeutic.

Did you read this? http://www.deathvalleymag.com/2010/02/1 ... e-greyman/

Yeah, I love these vests. I REALLY love these vests. Fuck backpacks. Plus, you can get the vest on and off almost as easy as a pack. I just wish I didn't feel like I had a big neon sign on when I wore it. Maybe a good alternative is taking street clothes, and sewing in pockets that don't stand out.

[JamesInTheWorld]

That would look great with my 5.11 Tuxedo



~James

[RYP]

naaw that's actually a fishing vest..people really use that to fish with.

if you wanna go full douche, make sure you have way too many tiny pockets full of useless shit in archaic army green:



not to be confused with Rhodie rigs which are pretty handy when blowing through large amounts of ammo at bad guys.

available in original "Walk for two weeks in the bush size"


and "Riding in the Ford Excursion Going To Burger King On the FOB" super sized:

[thewalrus]

OK... the picture in the first post actually makes sense if you're a pro photographer walking around with two DSLR bodies slung off your body, and the pockets are filled with memory cards, batteries, filters, flashes, flash batteries, etc. It's not a combat vest.

[coldharvest]

That is totally douchetastic but where's all the Velcro tabs so I can put my motivational patches on it?

[RYP]

I like to put two different blood type patches on, really generates full entertainment value.
Don't forget all the shit you can put in a drop holster. (Tabasco sauce, challenge coin dispenser and goatee trimmer would be my choice) :

[Chimborazo]

Tonne, let it all out man, its therapeutic.

Did you read this? http://www.deathvalleymag.com/2010/02/1 ... e-greyman/

Yeah, I love these vests. I REALLY love these vests. Fuck backpacks. Plus, you can get the vest on and off almost as easy as a pack. I just wish I didn't feel like I had a big neon sign on when I wore it. Maybe a good alternative is taking street clothes, and sewing in pockets that don't stand out.

LOL...my 5.11 pack is in there.

[Texas Carnie Roadshow]

Don't forget all the shit you can put in a drop holster. (Tabasco sauce, challenge coin dispenser and goatee trimmer would be my choice)

Bah, when i was still in the army, I could store a carton of smokes, five packs in each ammo pouch.

[Scotty]

Speaking of "covered with picatinny railage"; when I ran out of "real estate" on my weapon, I had extra railage screwed into my skull. That way I can mount the tactical spot light on top of my head and still keep the tactical rubber ducky where it belongs. It's also great for picatinny mounted hair pieces.

I'll post pics if I get the time.

[Lost Boy]

On that note:

\

I especially like RYP's "Contractor's Creed" at the beginning of Hired Guns... where it says "I will trick out my M4 until it weighs more than 24 pounds, not because it works better but because it looks cooler in photos."

[lightstalker]

Hold on, Im confused. I thought douche bags wore man salmon t-shirts and Italian wife beaters... The archetypal "photo vest" is not as popular with photojournalists as it once was.These days your typical snapper prefers to wear desert scarves, (preferably one that floats in the wind while you are shooting palestinians throwing rocks) Blundstones and cargo pants...

[Woodsman]

For the record

this:




Is not a douchebag vest. This is a vest only worn by trained professionals who have too many tools to store in their clothing.

Make sure you understand the difference between douchebag and not douchebag.