Important Scientific Data For All The Cheap Drunks Out There

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Important Scientific Data For All The Cheap Drunks Out There

Postby SRR » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:33 pm

http://mirror.ohmygoditburns.com/

11/16/2004
Answers to Feedback
Filed under: General Science — Chris Fletcher @ 1:34 pm

Well the staff here at OMGIB are thrilled with the swell of traffic that this experiment has generated. We’re working on more half assed applications of second rate science for the practical slacker as we speak.

Several questions have popped up on a regular basis in the comment thread, so I’ll try to knock them out here one by one:

Um, why didn’t you guys do the test double-blind?
Scienticians often are forced to take short-cuts to make giant king sized leaps of advancement in the field of boozahology. You’ll also notice that the crackers weren’t sterile, the glasses were barely clean, and there was a conspicuous lack of any saftey gear. Sometimes, you just have to stare down the barrel of progress and hope there’s not one sitting in the chamber.

Isn’t it possible that you just ended up drunk and only thought it tasted better
Our taste tests were only about a quarter of a shot each. It took about 20 minutes to complete an entire filtration cycle and we we had some food during the test. I know I only had about 2 shots worth of vodka during the experiment.

Did you try and use the filter for water after the vodka experiment?
The last thing I need in life is to catch a buzz off my morning coffee. Replacement filters are rather cheap as someone in the comment thread mentioned, but I’m sure that a few pitchers of water would take any vodka soaked into the filter out.

I think you forgot to prime your brita filter with water before you used it.
Actually, we did. It was soaked and a few pitchers of water were run through according to the directions on the package. It was in our notes, but we wrote everything up from the notes at the bar.

Why didn’t you . . .
Well although we plan on revisiting this experiment, we’re on to make other breakthroughs of loose cannon science. We encourage all of the aspiring scienticians reading this to try this for themselves and email us your results. Send them over to ohmygoditburns@gmail.com and share your findings.
Comments Off
11/5/2004
Practical Applications of the Philosopher’s stone. For drunks.
Filed under: Science — adam @ 5:08 pm

Purpose:
In the alchemical tradition, creation of the Philosopher’s stone is the ultimate end to man’s needs. The stone has the power to cure disease, prolong life, and possesses the added benefit of being able to transmute metals, as in lead into gold.
As scienticians, we believe that such an object exists, and that it can be used for our own dastardly purposes.
Our theory is that a simple brita water filter can be used to make bad vodka, into good. In our case this meant turning a Vladimir™, into a Ketel One™. At $11.09 for 1.75 liter (Ketel is 11.99 for the 350 ml), Vladimir is a steal. It is, however, painful to drink, has a repugnant aftertaste, posesses a bouquet reminiscent of rubbing alcohol. Our working theory was that these terrible qualities were caused by a lack of proper filtration, and that running our Vlad through a charcoal filter would remove some of the impurities causing these odors and flavors.

Materials
Bottle of cheap and/or nasty vodka. The cheapest price per volume was selected from the liquor store. In our case, this turned out to be “Vladimir Vodka™".

Bottle of control (control, ahh fancy scientician word) vodka. A bottle of Ketel One™ was grabbed at the last second while on the checkout line.
Science Crackers! These were essential in cleansing our palates between tastings. NOT to be overlooked! For this, we used your easily obtainable standard (err, premium) science crackers.






One standard Brita filter. I believe this cost roughly $15 at the supermarket. It probably should be used after the experiment to filter water.



Shot glasses. The shot glasses should be of different type, so as to be more easily able to distinguish between the filtered, and the control vodka.
Someone semi-sober to take notes. Thanks Dawn.






One “Science funnel", to pour the filtered vodka back into its bottle.




Coffee Grounds. It is a not so well known fact that coffee grounds will clear your nose of a scent. We used them to clear our noses to compare the smells of the filtered to the control vodka.
Science pole! (we couldn’t find a pole, so we used a broom) ("Are you insane, Frink? Put down that science pole!")

Procedure:
The Method for this experiment was very simple, and enjoyable, except for the waiting parts.
We would simply pour the entire bottle of vodka through the filter, wait for it to drip through, and then funnel it back into the bottle for easy pouring. We then poured off small amounts into the shot glasses for tasting. Additionally, we had shot glasses full of the control vodka for comparison. Each scienticion would taste and smell the filtered vodka. They then ate a “science cracker” and sniffed some coffee, and then taste/smell the Ketel One. The recording scientician wrote down their reactions, and the entire process was repeated. Also recorded was the start and end time of the filtering process. We noted a loss of vodka through spillage (for my science homies).

Results:
Our results were taken by our ‘reporting scientician” who diligently recorded all of our filtration times, and taste comments.

8:43 - we take out first sip.
Fletcher notes that “The world hates him".
Ken comments on both the cheapness, and the nastyness of the Vladimir.
I was apparently only able to say, “oh god", and “vile".

8:45 - The first filtration begins
(note, we had a misfire as the filter was not seated properly, so…

8:46 - The first filtration begins again.
Ken notes that the brita box tells us that the brita will reduce various elements which can cause
“long term liver or kidney damage". Hooray, we all think.

8:54 - We notice that 1.75 liters takes a really long time to filter.
I noticed that the vodka ‘looked’ better. Yay for Subjective Opinions.

9:00 - I comment on the fact that it’s STILL GOING.

9:03 - First filtration finished. Second tasting.
Ken notes that we’ve spilled some on the carpet (for my homies)
Fletcher notices little bubbles, which we later decide are probably due to pouring the vodka back into the bottle, through the funnel.
Comments:
Fletcher - “I don’t think it’s AS bad.” and “I was full well prepared to cry, and I didn’t, but it still hurts.”
Adam - “Less offensive.”
Ken - “Smoother.”
All - Still has a bad aftertaste.

9:06 2nd filtering begins
At this point, the vodka appears to be filtering faster.

9:19 - 2nd filtering ends
A decrease in the horrid smell is clear.
Comments:
Ken - “My god, that is smooth”
Fletcher - “Not bad at all”
Adam - “Much better than it originally was”
We also noticed that at this point, the Ketel One has a stronger odor.
Ken also decided at this point that he preferred the filtered Vlad to the control vodka.

9:30 - 3rd filtering begins







9:44 - End of 3rd filter cycle.
At this point the Vladimir has pretty much the same odor that it did before.
Comments:
Adam - “Even better, less noxious aftertaste.”
Fletcher - “Less aftertaste” and “Chill it, and you could probably fool most people.”
Ken - “At this time, I prefer this over Ketel One.”

9:50 - 4th filtration begins.
(Our humble scienticians at this point go to the store for snacks. Filtering Vodka is hungry work.)

10:04 - 4th filtration done.
Possibly even less scent.
Comments:
Adam - “Only slightly better, but still improved.”
Fletcher agrees.
Ken - “Tessa (my cat) licked the glass, and didn’t die.”
The scienticians agreed that after 4 filtrations, the Vladimir was smoother than Ketel one.

10:18 - 5th filtration begins
In order to remind myself, and possibly for self flagellation purposes, I tried the baseline Vladimir again. I gagged. Fun.
We decided that perhaps we shouldn’t have been quite so conservative with our tasting portions. I mean, what fun is that?

10:31 5th filtration done
Comments:
Adam - “Very little smell” and “wow it’s good now, absolutely no aftertaste.”
Ken - “Enjoyable.”
Fletcher - “Almost no flavor now.”





10:35 - 6th filtration begins
Fletcher spills his shot of control vodka. Tsk tsk.

10:49 - 6th filtration done
At this point it was clear that there were no vast improvements over the last 2 filtrations.
Comments:
Adam - “Stability achieved”
Ken “We’re there. Either we’ve burnt out the filter, or reached the point of equilibrium”

We decided that we should try this filtration chilled, so I broke out my trusty shaker and some ice.
Shake-a shake, and pour.
Comments on chilled:
Ken - “Wow” and “goes down like water.”
Fletcher - “Quite Comfortable.”
and I gave it a boring “Good.”

Conclusions:
Herein we have our staff and contributing scienticians submit their results.



I had previously heard of a company on the internet which makes a filter for liquor, so it was with that in mind that I came up with this experiment. I believed that the filter would hold back some of the more noxious chemicals in the vodka, which lead to the bad taste (and possibly hangovers). The basis for this belief was my own experience with activated charcoal tablets. Taking these while drinking can definately lessen the chance of a wicked hangover. It seems that the charcoal binds with some chemicals which contribute to them, so why not the charcoal in a brita filter. (Note: I did not experience a hangover after this experiment, but our samples were pitiably small) Our initial estimate was based on some internet research, put the number of filtrations at 10 before a great improvement was noted. Seeing one by the 4th filtration was a surprise. Seeing no change after that presents a quandry. Did we reach a point at which the filtration had done all it could, or had we destroyed our brita filter. Further testing with the same filter, and some more Vladimir should answer this.
I found the spirits produced to have no offensive taste, nor odor, and I will be using this method in the future to create a source of cheap neutral spirits for my liquor making experiments. The leftovers from this experiment were used to create a horseradish infused vodka, which was declared “yummy” by most who tasted it. The neutral spirits allowed the full flavor of the horseradish to come through, without being adulterated by rubbing alcohol smell/taste, or the wicked aftertaste we noticed when first trying our Vladimir sample.
I hope to experiment with other types of liquor in the future, especially after determining the lifetime of a brita filter used in this manner. A decision was made that using pvc pipe,and lining up 3 brita filters cartridges inside through which the vodka would flow serially, you could reach the optimum filtration in the shortest amount of time. The most amazing thing about this is that our crackpot idea actually worked, and could be a money saving way to enjoy some premium tasting vodka.
Adam - Staff Scientician, OMGIB


Coming into this experiment, I had some doubts as to the methodology as well as the subjective manner in which the results would be judged, not to mention a health distrust for anyone who would voluntarily drink Vladimir vodka warm and straight.
Amazingly, though, after the 4th filtration, I came to a startling conclusion: The Filtered vodka tasted better than the control fluid (Ketel One). It was smoother, and had a very delicate aftertaste. Of course, people may claim that it is the aftertaste that is what really gives vodka its flavor, but if you’re drinking Vladimir, I certainly hope you weren’t drinking it for taste!
Now, filtering works. As fantastic and far-fetched as it seems, what you have after you’ve passed Vladimir through the Brita sufficiently is a fluid worthy of enjoying straight. In fact, some conjectured that it could be passed off as higher quality vodka, if you’re the sort of person who keeps empty Gray Goose bottle lying around. However, that experiment will have to wait until we get a grant to purchase more Control materials.
-Kenneth, contributing scientician


I was shocked. I’d expected the vodka to taste marginally better, but did not expect the great results we came up with that evening. Further tests need to be performed on other spirits, but preliminary findings should be sufficient to run a college student or two to the emergency room. That’s a joke kids, don’t drink more than you can handle and always stop when your cousin Marge starts looking attractive.
The filtered result was smooth and bore almost no aftertaste. For those of you who like the unique flavor of a Kettle One, Grey Goose, or other top shelf vodka, this is not a perfect substitute. However, this would be the perfect mixer vodka in my opinion. Try a blind taste test with your drunkard guests next time you throw a party and send us your results.
-Chris, Staff Scientician
"May these times be the stone that sharpens our steel." - السيد الحصاد
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Postby Stiv » Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:37 pm

Now that's what I call science in the public interest. Enough of this stuff telling me Mexican food is bad for us.......the nerve of them.

Regards,
Stiv
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Postby el3so » Fri Nov 19, 2004 10:11 pm

thanks SRR, now I know what to get for X-mas.

http://www.brita.be/nl/producten.html
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby svizzerams » Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:26 am

This post makes me regard my Brita water filter in a completely new light.....

My daughter's name is Britta - so she is always getting "you mean like the water filter..." when she meets new people. She is no longer amused. But she was named before the filter hit the market...

BTW - I really liked the post - an education with a scientific basis is never wasted.... :-)
Joan of Arc went to battle with nothing
but the voices in her head
and a well-sharpened sword ~ Charlotte

...those without swords can still die upon them...

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