BEHOLD! Viola jokes! (I know, some of them can double as lawyer jokes)
Q: You are lost in the desert. You come upon a good Violist, a bad Violist, and a large white rabbit. Of which of the three do you ask directions?
A: The bad Violist. The other two are mirages.
Q: How do you stop a bus load of Violists from going over a cliff?
A: You don't.
Q: How do you teach a Violist down-bow staccato?
A: Write a whole note, put a down-bow mark over it, and then label it "solo".
Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: Two Violists playing the same note.
Q: What is fifty Violists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What is the difference between a Viola and a coffin?
A: The coffin has a dead person on the inside.
Q: Why is a doublebass better than a Viola?
A: The doublebass burns longer.
Q: Why does a Viola burn longer than a cello?
A: The Viola is always in its case.
Q: What's the difference between a Viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: Why do violinists switch to Viola?
A: So they can park in "handicapped" zones.
Q: A Violist and a conductor are in the street. You are driving and cannot avoid them both. Which do you hit?
A: The Violist. Business before pleasure.
Q: Define a true gentleman.
A: One who can play the Viola, and won't.
Q: Why are a Violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
At a Viola Congress, the rumor went around that one of the participants could play 32nd notes. Many Violists clustered around their colleague and asked him if it was true. He assured everyone that it was, so they asked him to prove it and play one.
Q: Why isn't a Viola like a lawn mower?
A: Nobody minds if you borrow their Viola.
Q: How is a Viola different from a lawn mower?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
Q: Why are Viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can remember them.
Q: Why are violins smaller than Violas?
A: They're actually the same size -- it's the violinists' heads which are larger.
Q: What is the best recording of the Bartok Viola Concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
The personnel manager broke up an intermission disturbance on stage between the principal oboe and the principal Viola. When asked what the problem was, the oboist said the Violist had knocked his reeds all over the floor. "He had it coming," blustered the Violist. "He turned down one of my pegs, and now he won't tell me which one!"
Q: How is a Viola solo like wetting your pants?
A: Both publicly humiliating, neither fortunately make much noise, but briefly do give one a nice warm feeling.
A Violist went backstage after a piano recital to congratulate the soloist. "I especially liked that piece that began with the trill," he commented. The pianist was confused: "Trill? Which piece was that?" "The one that went [sing Für Elise]."
Q: How many positions does a Violist use?
A: Three: 1st, 3rd, and Emergency.
A man went into a pawn shop on Manhattan's East Side one day to browse, and noticed an unusual statue of a golden rat. When he asked the proprietor about the piece, he was told that if he was interested in the statue he could have it only on the condition that he, the customer, would never come back to the shop again. "I've had a lot of trouble with that piece, and I want to get rid of it," said the owner. The man agreed on the conditions of the sale, put down his money, and went out with the statue.
On his way up the street with the golden rat under his arm, the man became aware of a scuffling sound behind him. By and by he realized that rats were following him as he walked, and with every step he took, more rats were joining the scores already behind him. The man started to panic. There were so many rats after three blocks that traffic stopped in the streets. The man began to run, and headed towards the East River, millions of rats in his footsteps. At the end of the piers he stopped and threw the golden rat out into the water: past him rushed virtually every rat on Manhattan island, and every one jumped off the dock after the statue, and drowned.
The man was flabbergasted. He walked back to the pawnshop. The owner tried to lock the door of the shop when he saw the man arriving, but the man got in too quickly. "Look here," said the proprietor, "I told you I never wanted to see you again in this shop!" "Don't worry," said the man, "I just had the most fantastic experience of my life. It was terrific! I just came back to see whether you had a statue of a gold Violist."
Q: What is fifty Violists buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: If a Violist and a singer fall off a cliff at the same time, which will land first?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why don't Violists have hemorrhoids?
A: Because all the assholes are over in the violin sections.
Q: Why do Violists make effective rapists?
A: It's hard to fight back when you've got your hands over your ears.
Q: How is a Viola different from an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up a Viola.
Q: What's another difference between a Viola and a lawn mower?
A: The lawn mower vibrates.
Q: What's the difference between a Viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A: A vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in before it sucks.
A man went on a safari in Africa. The first night out in the wilderness he was disturbed by the sound of drums, which went on all night long. Since the man was still moderately jet-lagged from his trip, he slept a few hours in spite of the noise, but the next morning asked his guide if the drums always sounded all night. "Drums never stop," said the guide. "It is bad if drums stop."
The second night the man was kept up again by the drums. The next morning he complained to the guide, who only shook his head, explaining "Drums never stop. Bad things happen if drums stop."
The third night the drums were louder and closer and more insistent than ever. The man didn't sleep a wink. In the morning, exasperated, he woke the guide, and shouted at him. "The drums! When will they stop?!" The guide, merely shook his head calmly. "Drums never stop. Bad things happen if drums stop."
"But what could happen? What could possibly be that bad?!" cried the man. "Bad things," replied his guide sadly. "Drums stop, Violas start."
Q: What is the requirement for a finalist in the International Viola Competition?
A: A finalist must be able to hold his Viola from memory.
After a long orchestral career, a Violist decided in his final few weeks of concerts to be adventurous and use fingerings in the third position. He practiced his excerpts carefully at home, and on the night of the concert, at the crucial point, shifted into third. His finger broke. After going to the hospital to get the bone set, the man collected disability forms from the symphony office, filled them out and sent them in. A few days later he heard from the insurance people that none of his claims could be met. "We're sorry," explained the adjuster, "but Violists are not insurable above first position."
Q: Why is it that Violists never practice?
A: The spirit is willing, but the Flesch is too hard.
Violinists have the Dont etudes; Violists have the Kant etudes.
Q: Why is a Violist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
Q: What is the difference between a Violist and a seamstress?
A: The seamstress tucks frills.
Q: What is the range of a Viola?
A: About 30 feet, if you kick it hard enough.
Q: How do you tell when a Violist is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you know when there's a Viola section at your front door?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: Why aren't Violists like terrorists?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: What is the difference between a Viola and a chainsaw?
A: A chainsaw blends with chamber ensembles.
Q: How is a Violist like a terrorist?
A: They both sabotage Boeings.
Q: What's the difference between a shame and a tragedy?
A: A shame is a busload of Violists going over a cliff. A tragedy is two empty seats on the bus.
Q: What is the ideal length for a Viola?
A: About 12 inches, from the base to the lid of the urn.
Q: Why does a Viola make such an excellent murder weapon?
A: Because it is the classic blunt instrument, and never has any fingerprints on it.
Did you hear about the Violist that was so bad that the other members of his section knew it?
Q: How is a Violist different from a dog?
A: The dog can stop scratching.
A Violist came upon a shepherd tending his extensive flock. "If I can guess how many sheep you have here, can I have one of them?" he asked. The shepherd, confident that the stranger couldn't come close to guessing, readily agreed.
"Great! OK. You have 895 sheep."
"That's amazing! You're right. Well, you get one of my sheep. Now, if I can guess your profession, can I have my animal back?"
"Well, sure, that's fair, though I bet you'll never get it."
"You're a Violist."
"Well, that's correct! How did you know?"
"Put down my dog," said the shepherd, "and I'll tell you."
Driving home from a quartet gig one day, a Violist heard the scream of sirens from his neighborhood. As he got closer to his own street the noise increased. He could smell smoke, and the glare of emergency flashers was everywhere. Turning at the last corner, he was horrified to see that it was his own home, or at any rate, what was left of it, which was on fire. The police stopped him from going any further.
"What happened, what happened?!" the violist cried.
"I'm so sorry sir. The conductor of your orchestra came in here a couple hours ago, after you'd left home. He raped your wife and killed her, kidnapped your children and set fire to the house as he left. Sir? You should sit down sir, you don't look well, sir."
The Violist, his mouth open, was past hearing the policeman. "The Maestro," he murmured. "Just think, the Maestro came to my house!"
A Violist in the symphony was involved in a car accident and became paralyzed from the neck down. Management moved him back a stand.
Q: How many Violists does it take to mix up a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
A: Three. One to stir the dough, two to peel the M&Ms.
Q: What can you deduce when you see a Violist drooling from both corners of his mouth at once?
A: You know that the stage is level.
Q: Why do violists walk around when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: How many violinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, he simply holds it up and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you get a violist nervous?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
A string quartet consists of a good violinist, a mediocre violinist, a person who wishes he could play the violin, and a person who hates violinists.
Q: When the Dont Violin Etudes are arranged for cello, what are they called?
A: The Wont Etudes.
Q: Why is one of baseball's best pitchers named Viola?
A: Because he can throw you a curve at any time.
Q: Why do most people hate violists at first sight?
A: It saves time.
Q: Why are orchestral concert intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So that you don't have to retrain the violists.
Q: What's the difference between an oboist and a violist?
A: The oboe player sustained brain damage after taking up the instrument.
Q: How do you get a viola player out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: You are driving on the road late at night in very stormy weather and come across a dead snake and a dead violist?
What's the difference?
A: The skid marks are in front of the snake.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To escape the viola concert.
Q: What do viola players do in their spare time?
A: Write dumb viola jokes.
A guy calls up a conductor and says, "I'd like to speak to your viola player." The conductor says, "Our viola player is dead." The guy hangs up.
Five minutes later, the conductor's phone rings again. "I'd like to speak to your viola player." The conductor again replies, "Our viola player is dead." The caller again hangs up.
Five minutes later, he calls back again. "I'd like to speak to your viola player". The conductor answers, "I told you, our viola player is dead. Why do you keep calling?".
"I like to hear it!"
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
The violist in the back of the orchestra section turned to his stand partner when the page was filled with sixteenth notes and said, "You'd better take this. I have a wife and kids."
Did you hear about the violist who dreamed he was playing in the Chicago Symphony, and then woke up and found that he was!
Q: How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do it with his left hand
Q: How else is a coffin different from a violist?
A: A coffin is a wooden box that holds a dead body.
Q: What do you call a perfectly tuned viola?
A: A physical impossibility.
Q: How can one tune a viola perfectly?
A: Have Nolan Ryan throw it against a wall.
Q: Why did Einstein play a violin instead of a viola?
A: Because he was intelligent.
Q: Why is a viola like a lawsuit?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Did you hear about the violist who got up to the fifth position and couldn't get down again?
Q: What's the best place for a violist to learn all the positions?
A: The Kama Sutra.
Q: How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
A musician was driving across a bridge when he saw someone poised on the railing, eady to jump off. He stopped his car, ran to the railing and grabbed the man before he could leap. He noticed that the would-be suicide was carrying a viola case under his arm.
"Don't jump!" he urged. "Just think of never seeing another beautiful sunset; of never hearing the birds sing again."
"I don't care", said the desperate man.
"Then think of your loved ones, your wife and children, who will never see you again."
"They are part of the problem," was the answer.
"Then think of the music. If you jump you'll never hear a recording of William Primrose again!."
"Who's William Primrose?"
"Go on and jump!"
Q: Why is the well-known viola solo like a premature ejaculation?
A: You know it's coming, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: How does a violist practice birth control?
A: By using his/her personality.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
The string quartet always rehearsed at the home of the first violinist. The violist kept on inviting the others to rehearse at this place once in a while, and finally, the others agreed to do so.
When they arrived at the violist's house, they found a large and completed jigsaw puzzle sitting on the table in the study. They admired it and one of the members of the quartet asked their host how long it had taken to put it together. The violist replied, "Six months."
"Six months?" asked the cellist. "Why so long?"
The violist looked shocked. "I thought that was quite an accomplishment! The box said '2 to 3 years'!"
The musician was walking on the beach, enjoying his vacation. Without realizing it, he kicked a bottle lying in the sand, and it hit a rock and broke. A puff of smoke erupted from the bottle, and before the musician stood a genie.
The genie bowed low to the startled man, and said, "Oh, kind sir, thank you a thousand times. You have liberated me from my two hundred and fifty years of imprisonment in that vile vessel of glass. I am indebted to you and am your humble servant. I ask you to please make a wish; any wish of your choice, be it large or be it small. Be certain that it shall be granted."
The musician thought for a few moments, and finally answered, "Yes, there is something you can do, not only for me but for the whole world. The situation in the Middle East has become horrendous. There are killings and shootings every day. The Arabs and the Jews have only hate for each other. There is no peace at all. Can you put a halt to the constant turmoil and bring peace and love to these nations?"
The genie scratched his head, and answered. "You know, I have been sequestered in that bottle for two-and-one-half centuries, and I do not know the countries you are talking about. Would you, perhaps, have a map of the area that I may see, and you can better show me to what you refer?"
The man, obviously concerned and preoccupied with the Middle East situation, and spending much of his reading time studying the ongoing events in that area, just happened to be carrying a book that contained the necessary maps, and produced them for the genie to study. After much thinking, the genie replied that his unfamiliarity with the scene was a bit too great, that the problems presented seemed enormous, and that he was not able or equipped to come up with an instant solution. He said, "I feel I must decline to grant the wish you ask, but if you will ask of me some other request, I will hope to do better with it, and satisfy you."
Disappointed, the musician answered, "OK, in that case, I play in an orchestra. It would really sound very good, if only the viola section had better intonation. They are hopeless. Can you do something to get them to play in tune?"
The genie again scratched his head, and this time thought for a very long time before replying. Finally he said, "May I see that map of the Middle East again?"
Q: How many violists does it take to tune a viola?
A: Five. One to hold each peg, the other to turn the viola round.
Q: What's the difference between first and second desk in the viola section?
A: Half a tone.
Q: And the difference between first and last desk?
At the final rehearsal the conductor fell sick and the last desk violist, who had studied conducting, volunteered to take his place. The premiere was a raving success as were all the performances for the following two months. Then, the conductor came back and the violist/ conductor resumed his original place. On his return, his desk partner looked at him in surprise and said "Hello!.... where've you been these past two months?"
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: 1. The viola burns longer.
A: 2. The viola holds more beer.
A: 3. You can tune the violin.
Q: How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
A: Mark it "solo."
Q: What's the definiton of "perfect pitch"?
A: Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
Q: Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Q: How was the canon invented?
A: Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Q: Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
A: By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Q: Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
A: 1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
A: 2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why do violists smile when they play?
A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
Q: What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A: A viola section playing on the C string.
Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three violists in it?
A: You could fit in at least three more.
Q: How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're not small enough to fit.
Q: Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
A: They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Q: Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
A: They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: 1. half a measure.
A: 2. a semi-tone.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
A: Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
Q: Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
A: Because he can't lean back in his chair.
Q: What instrument do violists envy most?
A: The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
Q: What's another name for viola auditions?
A: Scratch lottery.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A: 1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
A: 2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
Q: What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
A: Both are paid to fake climaxes.
Q: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
A: 1. Shoot 11 of them.
A: 2. Shoot all of them.
A: 3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by viola recitals.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
Q: How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Q: Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
A: Because alcohol has swelled them.
Q: What is the longest viola joke?
A: Harold in Italy.
Q: What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.
Q: Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
A: Because deep down they are all very nice people.
Q: How do you keep a violist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Joan of Arc went to battle with nothing
but the voices in her head
and a well-sharpened sword ~ Charlotte
...those without swords can still die upon them...
Illegitami non carborundum est