by HockeyGuy » Tue Jul 19, 2011 2:11 am
]My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. [/b]
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador Retriever. "f**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists?
A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. “
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said “ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not f--k--g listening.”
Under new E.U. law the word "gypsy" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.