Jokes

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Postby Mikethehack » Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:21 pm

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of
> sudden one of the Indians ran up hill to the mouth of a small cave
> "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
> until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore
> off
> his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked
> the
> remaining Indian what it was all about.
>
> "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
>
> The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
> indian
> men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
> If
> they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
> waiting for us."
>
> Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
>
> cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,
> there was
> the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore
> off
> his clothes and ran into the opening.
>
> The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
> spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
> huge
> opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
> It is
> bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
> fine women
> in this cave!"
>
> He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
> "Wooooo!
> Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
> "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
>
> With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
> cave,
> tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of
> the
> local newspaper read..... (see below)
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
>
>
> NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!




A lady walked into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my licence, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I'm not really a proper reporter, due to the chronic lack of discipline, negligible attention span, and a certain juvenile difficulty taking serious things seriously.
Andrew Mueller.
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Postby Bronco » Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:04 pm

Fred was the optimist of the office. Whenever anyone complained about something that had gone wrong he would smile and say “It could have been worse!”
One day his coworkers decided to play a prank on Fred. They made up a story and one of them hid in the closet. When Fred arrived they were all sulking and acting sad.
“What’s up today?” asked Fred.
“Tom is dead. Ralph went home early yesterday and found Tom in bed with his wife. They got into a fight and Ralph shot Tom and killed him”.
“Wow!” said Fred, “that’s horrible! But it could have been worse!”

The stunned coworkers stared at Fred. “How could it possibly have been any worse?” They asked.
“If it had been Monday night, it would have been me.” Answered Fred.



As they waited in the train station for the train to take them to the latest computer seminar, the engineers from Apple noticed that the engineers from Microsoft were waiting for the same train.
The engineers from Microsoft got in line and one by one bought their tickets for the train ride to the town where the seminar was being held. After they bought their tickets they sat and waited for the train to arrive.
One of the engineers from Apple walked up to the ticket window and bought one ticket.
When the train arrived, the engineers all piled into one car and the Microsoft engineers sat together on one side of the car. The engineers from Apple all went into the rest room and closed the door.
After the train started rolling, the conductor came through and collected the tickets from the Microsoft engineers then knocked on the door to the restroom. “Ticket please”
One hand reached out through the crack in the door and handed the conductor a ticket.
At the seminar all went well for the computer engineers. When it was time to leave it turned out that the engineers from both companies were in the waiting room again.
This time, one engineer from Microsoft went to the ticket counter and bought just one ticket. The Apple engineers did nothing.
The train pulled into the station and the engineers all climbed aboard and went into the same car together. All of the engineers from Microsoft went into the restroom and closed the door. The engineers from Apple then got up and went to the other restroom at the other end of the car except for one man who walked up to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers were hiding. He knocked on the restroom door “Ticket please!”
"I used to care, but things have changed"
Bob Dylan
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Postby ReptilianKittenEater » Sat Dec 03, 2005 1:03 am

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What is a Yankee?
> > >>
> > >> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>

> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Why is divorce so expensive?
> > >>
> > >> Because it's worth it.
> > >>

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
>room
> > >> together?
> > >>
> > >> 100 people who don't do dick.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What do you call a smart blonde?
> > >>
> > >> A golden retriever.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What do attorneys use for birth control?
> > >>
> > >> Their personalities.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the difference
>between a girlfriend and wife?
> > >>
> > >> 45 lbs.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> > >>
> > >> Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> > >>
> > >>
>> > >>
>> > >>
> > >> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > >>
> > >> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> > >> driving.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> A brunette, a
>blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
> > >> Who has the biggest boobs?
> > >>
> > >> The blonde, because she's 18.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> > >>
> > >> A porcupine has the pricks on t he outside.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> > >>
> > >> ! "Are you sure it's mine?"
> > >>

> > >>
> > >> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> > >>
> > >> Mace will do that to you
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> > >>
> > >> Breasts don't have eyes.
> > >>
> > >>

> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
>only
> > >> on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> > >>
> > >> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> > >>
> > >> "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> > >>
> > >> A different bar
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> >
> >>
> > >> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
>the
> > >> other?
> > >>
> > >> A speech impediment.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
> > >> half-mast?
> > >>
> > >> They're hiring.
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> > >>
> > >> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
> > >> cage along with... "a recipe."
> > >>
> >
> >>

> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> > >> fairytale?
> > >>
> > >> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> > >>
> > >> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
>this shit..."
> > >>
> > >>
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Postby gambrinus » Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:54 pm

a drunk walks down the street and up to a cop, says 'man somebody's stole my car.' the cop says, 'well, where was it?' ' it was right on the end of this key...' the cop says, 'i dunno man, but you beter go down to the precinct house and fill out all the proper forms' guy says ok, starts to walk off when the cop calls out, 'but before you go down you better zip up your fly.' drunk looks down, 'oh man, they got my girl too.'
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Postby goat balls » Mon Dec 05, 2005 3:13 am

gambrinus wrote:a drunk walks down the street and up to a cop, says 'man somebody's stole my car.' the cop says, 'well, where was it?' ' it was right on the end of this key...' the cop says, 'i dunno man, but you beter go down to the precinct house and fill out all the proper forms' guy says ok, starts to walk off when the cop calls out, 'but before you go down you better zip up your fly.' drunk looks down, 'oh man, they got my girl too.'


Hey man...VP Dick Cheney once got a woman pregnant just by sneezing on her car keys.

And the joke of da day...gay PETA man meets half rat half man in animal testing lab. Video goodness:
http://www.break.com/articles/scaretactics.html
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Postby el3so » Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:13 am

This isn't really a joke but rather a plea for legal advice or cheapo representation. I'm thinking about sueing these people for false-advertising http://www.cummingfirst.com/
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby Pam » Sat Dec 10, 2005 2:48 pm

WHY YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A PENIS


1. You're bald your whole life..

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an asshole.

And my personal favorite...

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then
faint.
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Postby Mikethehack » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:00 pm

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to
spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before
he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
with him, but he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250
and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and
at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was
entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl
immediately returned the check for $250 with the
following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not really a proper reporter, due to the chronic lack of discipline, negligible attention span, and a certain juvenile difficulty taking serious things seriously.
Andrew Mueller.
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Postby el3so » Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:13 pm

c&p from the hun

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby Ultra Swain » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:08 am

This just in:

Sir Elton John is great on piano.

But he sucks on organs.
Geez,am I NOT ALLOWED TO BE INTENSE FOR JUST 10 FUCKING SECONDS??!!!!!!!
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Postby ReptilianKittenEater » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:59 am

Ultra Swain wrote:This just in:

Sir Elton John is great on piano.

But he sucks on organs.


Booooo, that sucks.
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Postby goat balls » Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:36 pm

Another question for my Levi's

me: “Question: Is the fact that you have a zipper whose placement quite pointedly corresponds with the placement of the male genitals—rather than, say, a flap that is more propitiously and unisexually situated—suggestive of a prevailing cultural ethos that remains, at its core, hostile to the elevation of women to equal status?”


Levi’s: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
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Postby Pam » Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:11 am

Which brings another question to mind....

Do you think zippers on pants were invented by women? I sure would not want a zipper nor would I make clothes that has a zipper close to parts that could get caught in it.
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Postby el3so » Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:16 am

Pam wrote: Do you think zippers on pants were invented by women?
I'm more of a buttons man myself but hey, if it feels good...

more c&p from my fave yellow pages
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

(j/k ladies)
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby Pam » Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:20 am

LOL that is funny El3so.
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