Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Sat Jul 27, 2013 10:36 pm

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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Re: Jokes

Postby nowonmai » Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:50 am

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:57 am

A guy checks into the emergency room with 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass.

The doctor diagnoses his condition as.......

STABLE
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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:20 pm

Image
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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Re: Jokes

Postby Aryan » Thu Aug 15, 2013 12:35 am

Image
The battlefield is the only proper school of the surgeon
-Hippocrates
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:51 pm

At an Irish wedding reception, someone got on the stage and asked

"Would all the married men
please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living.."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Money Talks...
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:48 pm

You know how to tell if someone's vegan?

Don't worry, they'll fuckin' let you know!
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Re: Jokes

Postby nowonmai » Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:12 pm

OneLungMcClung wrote:You know how to tell if someone's vegan?

Don't worry, they'll fuckin' let you know!


Great job. I get to laugh while hating, the perfect joke.
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Re: Jokes

Postby coldharvest » Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:20 pm

Q: Why do Sumo Wrestler's shave their legs?
A: So they won't be mistaken for feminists.
I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard.
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Re: Jokes

Postby cbychoice » Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:42 am

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what
you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

I have a few Engineers in the family
A little bit of inconsistancy saves a lot of explanation later
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Re: Jokes

Postby AztecDave » Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:12 am

great jokes, one and all.
The real Army, composed entirely of young enthusiasts in camouflage uniforms, from whom impossible efforts would be demanded and to whom all sorts of tricks would be taught. That's the army in which I should like to fight.”
― Jean Lartéguy
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Re: Jokes

Postby rickshaw92 » Fri Dec 13, 2013 7:49 pm

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her
Mom that she has missed her
period for two months. Very
worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the
girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl picks up
the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops
in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray
hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the of the
Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the
father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your
daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will
pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will
bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
house, two retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa, and
a $2,000,000 bank account. If a
boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins,
they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each. However, if
there is a miscarriage, what do
you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You fuck her again."
Im reallly fuclimg pissed but fespite that I can still hit a tarfet at 1000m plus. mayVRVe bnot tonight but it qint beyond the wit if man. Nowhammy.
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Sun Jan 26, 2014 4:55 pm

If a man has a foot fetish,
And he cheats on his wife,
Does that mean that he......






GETS OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT??





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Re: Jokes

Postby MJK » Wed Feb 19, 2014 5:22 am

Two women are having coffee when there is a knock at the door. The woman who owns the house answers; it's a dozen roses from her husband with a card that reads, "Just because". The woman's guest exclaims, "That is so sweet! And it's not your birthday OR Valentine's Day!" The woman replies, "Big deal. All this means is that I have to spend the next week on my back with my legs apart." Her friend, looking confused finally asks, "You don't have a vase?"

An elderly couple enter a lawyer's office. He asks how he can help them. The old woman says, "We want a divorce." The lawyer asks them how long they have been married - "80 years," says the old man. "But we haven't been able to stand each other since the honeymoon." "Why ever did you stay together for so long?" asks the lawyer. The old woman pats her hubby on the leg and says, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead."


Vincent Van Gogh was a famous artist who cut his ear off and sent it to his girlfriend with a note that said, "Haven't heard from you lately...."
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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Wed May 14, 2014 3:06 pm

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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