Jokes

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Postby Pam » Wed Dec 14, 2005 8:12 pm

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly to buy his family some presents, and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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Postby tlcfj40 » Thu Dec 22, 2005 7:25 am

A woman has nine children with her husband over the course of as many years. When he dies, the woman is distraught, but quickley remarries. She bears seven more children, only to have her second husband kick the bucket on her as well.

The woman marries for a third time and has six more children before finally passing away herself.

At the woman's funeral, the priest prays for her soul. "Dear God", the preacher says, "please protect the soul of this woman who fulfilled your commandment to go forth and multiply. And we thank you, that they are finally together".

Leaning over to his neighbor, one of the mourners whispers, "Do you think he's referring to her first or second husband?"

The other mourner replies, "I think he means her legs".
*****************************************************
OVERHEARD IN A NURSING HOME

In a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so
crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!"
exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man
as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, " Thank God we can all still drive."

*****************************************************
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Postby el3so » Thu Dec 22, 2005 5:42 pm

Some good ones among this mixed bag from the Hun. Sounds like stuff Statler & Waldorf could 've come up with.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby goat balls » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:54 am

Secret of happiness for men:

It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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Postby tlcfj40 » Wed Jan 11, 2006 5:02 am

Goat Balls,

That's fucking classic!!!
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby goat balls » Sun Jan 15, 2006 12:27 am

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left
wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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Postby Texas Carnie Roadshow » Sun Jan 15, 2006 1:46 am

Goat.

That rocks.
When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be.
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Postby goat balls » Sun Jan 15, 2006 3:10 am

Italian Court: Tax-Free Whoring Day, Forever!
– Ace

Income earned from hooking isn't income?

An Italian prostitute has won a court ruling stating her earnings are not taxable.

...

The newspaper said the judges had ruled that income from prostitution was not earnings, but compensation for the personal indignities suffered in selling sex.

The Milan court also said the absence of legislation on prostitution in Italy gave it an ambiguous status, being neither a lawful nor an unlawful occupation.
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My private part died today

Postby tlcfj40 » Tue Jan 17, 2006 4:26 am

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part! back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby goat balls » Thu Jan 19, 2006 10:07 am

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "John Kerry for President" bumper sticker on it
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Postby Caliban » Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:42 pm

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
"Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"
I'm like............Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!



Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


A man comes running into the house screaming ecstatically and says to his wife
" I've won the Euro lottery, I've won the Euro lottery ! Eighty five million, quick pack your bags"
his wife says
"Darling thats wonderful, should I pack for the mountains or the beach"
To which he replies
"Who cares, just pack your bags and fuck off !"


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line
in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise,
what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side,
she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said."How did you know we
got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."



AND SOME FOR THE LADIES...

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Postby Caliban » Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:46 pm

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely naked.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, I don't know - I thought you were watching."


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, 'Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.'

So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says,'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand.'

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says,'Okay.'

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand.'

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The
results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks 'Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?'

Sean replies, 'No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet!'
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Postby Slam » Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:37 pm

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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thank Heavens

Postby el3so » Thu Jan 26, 2006 12:49 am

Hun is accessable to me again. Some more copy-pasted Internet lists...

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay
skynet prompt: witty line, a bit offensive, medium levels of spelling error, Rastafy by 10 % or so
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Postby tlcfj40 » Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:03 am

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

*****************************************************

How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar?
Turn the bar stool upside down

*****************************************************

Three guys are traveling and they need to get a room for the night. They put all of their money together but they still only had enough money to get one room, so that meant they all had to sleep in one bed. They slept that night and when they woke up the guy on the far left said, 'I had the weirdest dream, I dreamed that I was beating off.' The guy on the far right said, 'I had the same dream.'

The guy in the middle said, 'Man, I dreamt I was cross-country skiing.'

*****************************************************

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?'

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

*****************************************************
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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