Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:33 pm

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me...the English bastard.

And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French shit again.
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Thu Apr 05, 2012 3:41 am

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm, sets it down on the bar stool, and loudly proclaims to the bar that the octopus is the most talented of octopi, that it can play any instrument known to man, and that he will bet $50 if they think he is wrong.

One of the bar's patrons runs out to his car, grabs a guitar, comes in and gives it to the octopus. Octopus grabs it and plays better than Hendrix. The man pays his $50, shakes his head and goes back to his beer. Another brings up a trumpet, the octopus takes it, and within a minute is blowing tunes better than Dizzy Gillespie. That guy, too, pays his $50, shakes his head, and sits down.

This continues for some time with all nature of instruments being produced and the octopus' owner making a handsome sum, and then in walks a Scot with bagpipes. The octopus takes the pipes... and continues to flip them over and over for several minutes, maneuvering the pipes this way and that, an occasional low sound coming out of one of the pipes. The Scot has a smug look on his face and states "Canna figure it out there mister octopus? What's the matter, cant you play it??"


To which the octopus says "Play it?!?!? Are you kidding me? As soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caliban » Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:49 am

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down & asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No" he says. "The seat is empty". "This is incredible!" says the other man.
"Who in their right mind would give up a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, & not use it?"
"Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral"
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caliban » Wed May 09, 2012 12:14 pm

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
'We're going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caliban » Tue Jun 05, 2012 7:30 pm

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective... is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls...
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:


"Alright, alright... I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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old one, kinda from the best yellow pages on the net

Postby el3so » Tue Jun 05, 2012 10:25 pm

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yoghurt
2 oranges
1 stick of womens deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're f%@king ugly!


A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies, "Then I definitely sh!t my pants."
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caliban » Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:44 pm

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home??'
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Tue Sep 11, 2012 1:18 pm

What's the difference between a cow and September 11?

After 11 years, you stop milking a cow.
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ultra Swain » Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:09 pm

friendlyskies wrote:What's the difference between a cow and September 11?

After 11 years, you stop milking a cow.


oh snap.
Geez,am I NOT ALLOWED TO BE INTENSE FOR JUST 10 FUCKING SECONDS??!!!!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Postby coldharvest » Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:30 pm

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard.
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Fri Sep 14, 2012 5:58 pm

A small boy that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?”

The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”

To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”
Money Talks...
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sri Lanky » Mon Nov 19, 2012 5:16 pm

How do you know when a Korean is playing in an NHL game?


He tries to put up a store whenever he goes into the corners.
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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Sat Nov 24, 2012 3:23 pm

Why doesn't Tim Tebow get married?

Because then he would have to throw a reception.
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:50 pm

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually waits until you're 13 to come all over your face.

Image

ImageImage
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/lame-pun-coon

Image
"4 cylinder Camaro=communism" El Presidente

"You can smoke salmon but it's not quite the same as smoking heroin." nanuq
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Re: Jokes

Postby shivers » Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:41 pm

A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die. At the gates of heaven they meet Saint Peter. He asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis. Sister Theresa replies "I poked one once." Saint Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven."

He asks Sister Marie the same question. She replies "I fondled one once". "Wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven."

Then Saint Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and Sister Catherine pushes to the front.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it."
We are miserable sinners,
Filthy fuckers,
Arseholes!
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