Jokes

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Jokes

Postby Moosehead » Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:45 pm

Yep... I heard this internationally flavoured joke.

Got any good jokes? Even better, any bad ones?



GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America.
Well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia
Lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia
Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
And all my promises are lies, all my love is hate
I am the politician, and I decide your fate
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Postby el3so » Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:52 pm

Today's version of theHun didn't have a joke so I dug this one up.

A new Army Captain

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Postby goat balls » Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:32 pm

I've seen that one moosehead but it's good.

el3so..the camel one is very good. Good laugh there.

Joke of le day:

A guy is in a department store when a beautiful woman waves to him. He walks over and says, "Do I know you?" She says "I think you're the father of one of my kids." He says, "Are you the chick I banged behind the Chuck E. Cheese during my kid's birthday party three years ago?"
She says, "No, I'm his math teacher."

.......................

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the Ozarks as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Zebediah, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Zeb is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Zeb.

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter... Just gonna be the two of us."

................................................
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Postby Outkast » Tue Nov 22, 2005 4:34 am

goat balls wrote:"Don't much matter... Just gonna be the two of us."

................................................


Now that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
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Postby Pam » Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:09 pm

In a small town one evening, a Patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sittting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?



"Heavens no, we bought it."



"Then why don't you drive it away?"



"We don't drive."



"Then why did you buy it?"



"We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed.......so we're waiting."
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Postby el3so » Wed Nov 23, 2005 7:24 pm

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample
from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She
can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Postby Slam » Fri Nov 25, 2005 11:03 am

A man goes into his local and orders a pint of his favourite.

"That'll be 10p please", says the barman.

"Christ that's cheap! I'll take a steak lunch then too", replies the man.

"That'll be 50p now please", says the barman.

The man asks, "How can everything be so cheap? Where's the manager?"

"He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
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Postby el3so » Sun Nov 27, 2005 5:17 pm

more C&P from the Hun

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Postby goat balls » Mon Nov 28, 2005 3:07 am

right on el3so.

Three girls -- a brunette, a redhead and a blonde -- all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
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Postby goat balls » Mon Nov 28, 2005 3:09 am

Why not replace all female flight attendants with good looking strippers?

What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the airlines' alcohol revenues. And Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
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Postby Mikethehack » Mon Nov 28, 2005 5:14 pm

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW”

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

“FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”

THE WIFE ASKS,

“WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.”

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

“FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.”

FINE, SHE SAYS,

“THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?” THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.”

“I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS”, HE SAYS. “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! “

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAID,

“WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.”

HE SAID,

“SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?”

SHE REPLIED,

“HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!”
I'm not really a proper reporter, due to the chronic lack of discipline, negligible attention span, and a certain juvenile difficulty taking serious things seriously.
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Postby Stiv » Mon Nov 28, 2005 5:28 pm

A Chinese couple is making love when the husband suddenly exclaims

"I want sixty nine I want sixty nine"

His wife looks at him stunned and says

"You want beef and broccoli now??"
Her eyes like sparks, my heart like gasoline
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Postby Pam » Tue Nov 29, 2005 4:28 am

Subject: Mexican Delicacy

A big Texan cowboy stopped in at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful as well. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"


The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, I can see that you have excellent taste!

Those are called, "Cojones de Toro" -- bull's testicles, from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"


The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be pleased to save you this delicacy!"


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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Postby Pam » Tue Nov 29, 2005 6:36 pm

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My goodness, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She says, "No, I'm your sons math teacher."
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Postby el3so » Wed Nov 30, 2005 7:53 pm

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I know it isn't reallly a joke but nevertheless
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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