Jokes

[Caliban]

Gordon Brown decides to resign as Prime Minister and his trusted cabinet colleagues think it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.
So the next day, a senior Whitehall Minister, 'Sir Humphrey' was sent to investigate the possibilities at the National Railway Museum at York, where an NRM consultant told him - 'We do have a number of locomotives here without names…mostly freight locomotives, though.'
'Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a Prime Minister,' said Sir Humphrey -'How about that big green one, over there?' he enquired, pointing out the famous Flying Scotsman.
'No 4472 already has a name' said the consultant haughtily - 'It is called Flying Scotsman'.
'Oh, couldn't it be renamed?' Sir Humphrey asked - 'This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer.'
'I suppose it might be considered,' said the consultant - 'The LNER did rename a number of their bigger locomotives after company directors. They even renamed one Dwight D Eisenhower in honour of the USA President.'
'That's excellent!' said Sir Humphrey - 'So that's settled it then...we'll rename 4472, but how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, especially in view of the recent expenses scandal.'
'In that case,' said the consultant, 'We can just paint out the 'F'...'"

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A Surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father.... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Aussie TJS]

Finally came across another good joke

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any bloody Frenchmen to show it to."

[OneLungMcClung]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.



Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Do you know why he couldn't kill her ???


















Because you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

[Penta]

This came with a picture of a Chinese doctor (that I can't find the source to copy from).

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

[marie-angelique]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/how_to_find_a_masculine_halloween

[Chimborazo]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Susie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing, so they buried Susie.

[Penta]

A Salvadoran joke. Friendlyskies might like it anyway.


Failure of a Survey

The UN just completed the biggest survey in its history.

The question was: "Please respond honestly: What is your opinion about the shortage of food in the rest of the world?"

The results could not have been more disappointing. The survey has been a total failure because:

Europeans did not understand what was meant by "shortage"
Africans, in general, did not understand what was meant by "food"
Argentinians did not understand what they meant by "please"
The gringos asked what "the rest of the world" meant
Hondurans asked for an explanation of what was meant by "your opinion"
...and the legislative assembly of El Salvador to this day is debating what they meant by "honestly"

[nowonmai]

That's not funny. I don't even have to read it to know that.

[Penta]

As someone said recently, "You understand me not: I am not the mouth for your ears."

[Moosehead]

Heard from a Belgian today:

So, Adam is in the forest. Eve goes off to the river, to bathe.

Adam says to God, "Hey God, Eve is washing her pussy in the river!"

And God says, "Damn! I'll never get that smell out of my fish".

[Sri Lanky]

Why do Mennonites frown on having sex while standing up?

It might look too much like dancing.

[Aussie TJS]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten apples. The king then explained, Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. Later on the first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it! The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.

[Caliban]

An Englishman an Irish man a scotsman, a Rabbi and two priests with a duck,a chicken and a talking horse walk into abar. The barman said "Is this some kind of joke?"

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What kind of cheese can you hide a horse with?

Mascaponi

[Chimborazo]

Warning!!!!!!!

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it.

It could contain a virus.

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If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.

It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

[Sri Lanky]

What is the difference between Santa and TIger?

Santa stops at three ho's.