Jokes

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Postby goat balls » Tue Feb 21, 2006 12:33 am

Good ones el3so and Mr. Moosehead. I got a righteous laugh out of those.

Ms Shivers.............hmmmm...you're very lucky that I'm really busy for a while. I'm keeping my nose to the grinding wheel...


heh
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Postby SRR » Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:34 am

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a
nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T.
Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class,
she cautiously asked "Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?"
Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means
"To Our Teacher."
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it.
She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his
hand to explain "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting
on her desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K."
Her jaw drops and she screams "Who can explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that
means "From Us Colored Kids!"
"May these times be the stone that sharpens our steel." - السيد الحصاد
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Postby Mikethehack » Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:29 pm

THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR



An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady passed between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."


A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.



The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".
I'm not really a proper reporter, due to the chronic lack of discipline, negligible attention span, and a certain juvenile difficulty taking serious things seriously.
Andrew Mueller.
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Postby flipflop » Thu Feb 23, 2006 4:30 pm

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said:
"OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. "You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"


Cheers
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country - Bertrand Russell
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Secret Messages

Postby flipflop » Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:27 pm

Secret Messages

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country - Bertrand Russell
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Postby Mikethehack » Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:06 pm

A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
I'm not really a proper reporter, due to the chronic lack of discipline, negligible attention span, and a certain juvenile difficulty taking serious things seriously.
Andrew Mueller.
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Postby tlcfj40 » Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:29 am

Good ones!
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby shivers » Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:47 pm

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
We are miserable sinners,
Filthy fuckers,
Arseholes!
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Postby jonas » Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:46 pm

Just wanted to let you all know some of your material has gone over well at parties...of course I took all the credit myself...but you know...
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Postby Kurt » Sat Mar 11, 2006 10:22 pm

Just wanted to let you all know some of your material has gone over well at parties...of course I took all the credit myself...but you know...


This party is filled with Pollocks, suddenly this guy from Missouri walks in and says "Hey! Wanna hear something funny?"
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Postby jonas » Sun Mar 12, 2006 9:28 pm

AHAHA...yeah the Polish jokes I grew up hearing didn't go over so well in ol Polska...maybe next time I will change Polish to Dutch...no one likes the Dutch...
Last edited by jonas on Sat Apr 29, 2006 2:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Kurt » Sun Mar 12, 2006 9:48 pm

yah, those clog wearing, cieling scraping, tulip fucking Dutch are fair game.
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Postby flipflop » Mon Mar 13, 2006 11:51 am

Image
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country - Bertrand Russell
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Postby kilroy » Mon Mar 13, 2006 5:39 pm

found him. he's just below the green and blue tent, to the left of the lady with the white balloon.
when they ask how you feeling
you tell em you feeling like something important died screaming
you tell em you feeling like something even more important arrived breathing
something you should probably try feeding
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Postby flipflop » Mon Mar 13, 2006 8:19 pm

Well done!

What's more worrying is a very butch female Wally look-alike at the front centre, carrying a candy floss, or is she carrying a concealed weapon in there?

That limp "Ooooh Matron!" affected right hand is fooling no-one

A case of "Where's Molly" perhaps?

Cheers
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country - Bertrand Russell
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