A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow.
:-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father, it has been
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Greene every
week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Greene twice a
week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Greene?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," The sinner replies.
"Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of
every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Greene?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies: "No, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
:-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and
processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds ,
KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends,
somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and
buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with
sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses
and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 999 channels on SKY ,no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into
the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always
ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and
'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave
their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
When I was younger, I always remember my dad saying, "Son, it's important to have good vocabulary." But I never really listened.
If I had only known then the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', he would still be alive today.
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy