Jokes

[OneLungMcClung]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, another dog is pushing her home."

[Q]

Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make up at the same time?






Hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.




Ba-da-dum..

[Chimborazo]

A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: "If I died, would you remarry."
Husband: "No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman."
Wife: "But you love being married, don't you? So honestly. You'd get remarried wouldn't you?"
Husband: *sigh* "Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually"
Wife: "Would you and your new wife live in our house?"
Husband: "Yeah, where else would we live"
Wife: "Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?"
Husband: "Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I'd still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer"
Wife: "Would you two sleep in our bedroom?"
Husband: "Yeah, where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she wouldn't be able to. She's left-handed."
Wife: "What!?"
Husband: "SHIT!"

[OneLungMcClung]

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she
asked.

I said, "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.

[marie-angelique]

As I was registering at this 2-star motel, I said to the blonde receptionist, "I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she replied with a real attitude, "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Penta]

This is probably old, but it's just been sent to me, and it made me laugh out loud:

Never Argue with a Woman who Reads

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[Moosehead]

Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make up at the same time?






Hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.




Ba-da-dum..

Decent!

[flipflop]

SCOTTISH LONELY HEARTS

Who said romance was dead? Here are a few winners with love to give...


GROSSLY OVERWEIGHT BUCKIE TURF-CUTTER, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08


ABERDEEN MAN, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03


HEAVY DRINKER, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Rangers football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .


BITTER, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41


GINGER-HAIRED PAISLEY TROUBLEMAKER, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87


ARTISTIC EDINBURGH WOMAN, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32


CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45


BAD-TEMPERED, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27


DEVIL-WORSHIPER, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07



ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41



GOVAN MAN, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

[Caliban]

A professional drunk receives an ultimatum from his wife that if he keeps coming home disgracefully drunk she is going to throw him out and divorce him.

Next night in the pub he is so drunk he throws up all over himself and starts to moan about how this is the end, the last straw for his wife, she will surely divorce him. One of his drunken mates asks what he means and he explains the ultimatum.

His mate says "No problem, just put a twenty pound note in your top pocket. when she kicks off at you tell her a drunk threw up all over your suit, pull out the £20 note and say, look he even gave me the cash to get my suit cleaned."

Liking this idea he put the money in his top pocket and staggered off home.

Of course when he got home his wife went ballistic " I WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU CAME HOME DRUNK AND IN A STATE AGAIN. THATS IT, YOU'RE OUT THE DOOR!"

"Wow, hold on hold on" He said " I admit I have been for a drink but only the one. When I was leaving the pub this drunk just outside the door was sick all over me. He was so apologetic about it though, look he even gave me a £20 note to get my suit dry cleaned"

His wife looked and said " But you've got two, why two £20 notes?"

"Oh this " He said holding up a second £20 note from his pocket " Oh that was from the other drunk who shit in my trousers ! "

[Caliban]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer

say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the

street, so the snowplough can get through." So Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow

today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Norman's

wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres

of snow today. You must park ........" Then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side

of the street do I need to park on, so the snowplough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't

you just leave it in the garage this time."

[Chimborazo]

An Israeli arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out the entry form, the immigration officer asks him:

"Occupation? "

The Israeli promptly replies:

"No, no, just visiting!!!"

[Ryan Partridge]

Q: How do you get a fag to fuck a woman?







A: Fill her cunt with shit.

[Caliban]

how do you convert a cooker and a dishwasher into a snow plough ?











Give the bitch a shovel

[Caliban]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow.

:-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father, it has been
one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Greene every
week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Greene twice a
week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Greene?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," The sinner replies.
"Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of
every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Greene?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies: "No, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

:-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))


A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.


CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's and 60's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and
processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or
cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we
took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds ,
KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends,
somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and
buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs
with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with
sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses
and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all,
no 999 channels on SKY ,no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into
the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always
ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and
'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave
their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore


When I was younger, I always remember my dad saying, "Son, it's important to have good vocabulary." But I never really listened.

If I had only known then the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', he would still be alive today.

[Ryan Partridge]

Little Johnny asks his mom, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Mom replies, "Well sweetie, they come from a stork."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah? Well who fucks the stork?"