Jokes

[el3so]

Nice one Sri.

[Chimborazo]

Top Ten Country Western Christmas Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

[Penta]

Some reactions to the terrorist threat from an Australian:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

Australia has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Caliban]

Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

[Sri Lanky]

What did Beethoven do after he died?

He decomposed.

[Chimborazo]

For Marie-Angelique and any other coonasses out there:

Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux one day that he has decided to go to college, so he can get a "land job"
He tells Thibadeaux he has a meeting with the Dean of the College in Raceland on Monday.
"You tell me how dat goes" says Thibodeaux
Monday morning comes around, and Boudreaux is meeting with the Dean.
"Boudreaux, I have signed you up for three classes for your first semester....Math, English and...Logic"
Boudreaux says " I know what English and Math are, but what is dat Logic"
"Let me Explain to You" says the Dean
"Do You own a weed-eater" asks the Dean
"I sure does" says Boudreaux
"Well, then Logicaly, I conclude You have a Yard" says the Dean
"Dats true.. I do have me a yard"
"And since you have a Yard, I Logicaly assume you have a house" says the Dean
"Maix yeah, I got me a yard too"
"Since I know you have a yard, By Logic, I assume you have a house in that yard"says the Dean
"I sure do" says Boudreaux
"Logically, since you have a house, I conclude you probably have a wife"
"Yeah, I got me a wife...Jolie" Boudreaux says
"And since I know you have a wife, I logically assume you are a Heterosexual man"
"Well dats for sure" says Boureaux
"Well Boudreaux, thats Logic in a nutshell....what do you think?"
"Dats just Amazing!!!...You figured all that stuff out by jus knowin I had me a weed-eater!"

So....Boudreaux signed up for all three classes.

The next day Boudreaux runs in to Thibodeaux at da Bar-room"

"So how did it go over at da college Boudreaux?"
"Man, it was good...I signed up to take me three classes....Math, English and Logic" says Boudreaux
"Logic???? whats dat"
"Its simple, let me explain it to you............Do you have a weed-eater Thibodeaux" says Boudreaux
"No...You know I aint got one"
"Well, then I logically conclude you is a Homo!"

---

One night, after Boudreaux and Marie had retired for the night, Marie
became aware that her husband Boudreaux was touching her in a most
unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very
lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
waist.

'Mais yea.' moaned Marie.
Boudreaux continued on, gently feeling Marie's hips, first one side and
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His
gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time Marie was
becoming more aroused and she squirmed a little to better position
herself.
Boudreaux stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
'Why you stoppin' cher?' Marie whispered.
Boudreaux whispered back, 'I found da remote.'

---

Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his
wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Boudreaux
headed home frustrated and depressed.

Friday afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou
deCade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on the
dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod in
hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. "How did you talk your missus into
letting you go Boudreaux?"

"I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I
couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes
and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

---

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Thibodeaux woke Boudreaux and said, "Ma sha look towards da sky, what you see?"

Boudreaux replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What dat tell you?" asked Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux pondered for a minute then said: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me der are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

"Astrologically, it tells me dat Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

"Theologically, mother nature is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Whats' it tell you, Thibodeaux?"

Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, you dumber than a box o` rocks. It mean somebody stole the tent!"

---

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are driving down a back road in the Louisiana bayou.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a' mighty," says Boudreaux , "my three favorite things!"

---

Free Sex with Fill-Up
A gas station in Abbeville was trying to increase its sales, so the owner, Broussard, put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon Boudreaux pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex..

Broussard told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Boudreaux then guessed 8, and Broussard said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, Boudreaux, along with a buddy, Thibadeaux, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Broussard again gave Boudreaux the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Boudreaux guessed 2 this time. Again Broussard said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Thibadeaux said to Boudreaux, "I tank dat game is rigged and he don't really give away no free sex."

Boudreaux replied, "No it ain't, Thibadeaux. It ain't rigged ----- da wife, Marie, won twice last week.

[coldharvest]

Damn those were funny

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.'

[marie-angelique]

For Marie-Angelique and any other coonasses out there.

merci, cheri :)

[Sri Lanky]

Why do Texans get buried ten feet underground instead of the standard six?



Cuz deep down they're good people.

[Chimborazo]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, asshole?'

[el3so]

Whole bunch of life and marriage c&ps from thehun.com.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[Sri Lanky]

Typical Manitoba joke:

What did the Native woman say while she was having sex?

Get off of me,you're crushing my smokes.

[Caliban]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his
knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want
a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit,
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
I don't weally fink my pet python givths a thit !

[Caliban]

The Rancher.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'



Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have
to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing
features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can
only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned,
took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the
folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in a while
a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops
her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thank you for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the Police Officer. "How did you get all
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, good gracious, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard
is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of
fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind
the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'."

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the policeman. "OK! Good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[coldharvest]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied,
'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'