Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby friendlyskies » Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:55 pm

A French cat called "un, deux, trois" and an English cat called "one, two, three" have a swimming race across a river. Which cat wins?
"One, two, three" because "un, deux, trois" cat sank.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sri Lanky » Sat Apr 23, 2011 5:31 am

Uh,undertow?

"vier,funf,sechs" is better.
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Re: Jokes

Postby bearfood » Tue Apr 26, 2011 5:06 am

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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:00 pm

A woman goes to the doctor with sever bruises and lacerations….

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Re: Jokes

Postby bearfood » Sat Apr 30, 2011 5:34 am

Q: Do You know what they call a Quarter-pound of raw horse in France?

A: A Royale with neighs.
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Postby el3so » Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:23 pm

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she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sri Lanky » Wed Jun 15, 2011 10:15 pm

What came first? The chicken or the dog?
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Re: Jokes

Postby HockeyGuy » Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:08 pm

Two Irish men are stranded in the ocean on a small dingy. A genie lamp floats by and one picks it up and rubs it. The genie comes out and says that he is in a hurry so they only have one combined wish. One of them quickly yells 'I wish the ocean was made of whiskey!' The other man smacks him on the head and says 'Damn it, now we have to piss in the boat!'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Fri Jun 17, 2011 6:48 pm

Sri Lanky wrote:What came first? The chicken or the dog?


That was hilarious...thank you.
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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Re: Jokes

Postby zuluninja » Wed Jun 29, 2011 8:25 pm

After the flight has taken off and the captain is done with the announcements, he puts down speaker without realizing he had not turned it off. He yawns and stretches, and says to the co-pilot:

"Aaaah, I'm feeling good right now! I'm gonna take a dump, and after that I'm gonna fuck the brains off of the new stewardess!!"

Everybody on the plane is either laughing or red-faced, and the new stewardess sprints towards the cabin to tell the captain to turn the speaker off. Before she gets there, an old lady trips her with a cane. Astonished, she looks up to see the old lady staring down at her with utter contempt on her face, telling her:

"You shameless, horny slut... let the man take his dump in peace!"
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Postby el3so » Sun Jul 17, 2011 5:37 pm

she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Re: Jokes

Postby HockeyGuy » Tue Jul 19, 2011 2:11 am

]My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. [/b]


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador Retriever. "f**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists?

A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. “

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said “ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not f--k--g listening.”

Under new E.U. law the word "gypsy" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelle in alaska » Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:18 am

from the movie 'Crazy Stupid Love', coming out at the end of the month.
You're getting a divorce? We all thought it was cancer.


sorry. maybe you had to be there. i laughed. Hard. when i saw this in the preview.
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Postby el3so » Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:11 am

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c&p from mp.net
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Re:

Postby Caliban » Fri Jul 29, 2011 10:10 am

el3so wrote:Image
c&p from mp.net


Im amazed she can lift her hand to give them the finger
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