Jokes

Expectorate your wit here.

Re: Jokes

Postby Hitoru » Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:12 pm

Don't you be mocking my family now !
What are you? Some short sighted trigger puller? - RR3 .
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Re: Jokes

Postby HockeyGuy » Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:18 pm

If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you would have $49.00 today, if you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Thus the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.
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Re: Jokes

Postby rickshaw92 » Thu Aug 18, 2011 10:31 pm

HockeyGuy wrote:If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you would have $49.00 today, if you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Thus the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.



Really?
Im reallly fuclimg pissed but fespite that I can still hit a tarfet at 1000m plus. mayVRVe bnot tonight but it qint beyond the wit if man. Nowhammy.
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Re: Jokes

Postby flipflop » Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:29 pm

What do you call an Irishwoman with two cunts?

Jedward's mum

Cheers
Patriots always talk of dying for their country, and never of killing for their country - Bertrand Russell
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caliban » Wed Sep 07, 2011 12:01 pm

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke....

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
"If you sit still the birds shit on you, even Buddha, life's short so get out there and do something"
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?" Snoopy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:48 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is….

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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Re: Jokes

Postby rickshaw92 » Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:57 pm

Caliban wrote:There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke....

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"




Jesus wept.
Im reallly fuclimg pissed but fespite that I can still hit a tarfet at 1000m plus. mayVRVe bnot tonight but it qint beyond the wit if man. Nowhammy.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Moosehead » Sat Sep 24, 2011 9:00 am

HockeyGuy wrote:If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you would have $49.00 today, if you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Thus the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.


Not funny. Massively realistic.
And all my promises are lies, all my love is hate
I am the politician, and I decide your fate
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelle in alaska » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:54 am

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?', asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade....'
No Apologies.
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Re: Jokes

Postby HockeyGuy » Thu Jan 19, 2012 5:01 am

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $ 2.00
HAMBURGER: $ 2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $ 2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $ 3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Mon Jan 23, 2012 8:15 pm

Ralph, an American citizen aged 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public toilets

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the bobby's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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Re: Jokes

Postby HockeyGuy » Wed Jan 25, 2012 5:09 pm

Thoughts for the day


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:55 pm

Three men, a German, an American and a Saudi are being interviewed about their thoughts on sex.

The interviewer asks the German,
'Is sex work or play?'
The German thinks for a bit and then replies, 'Well, since I want to be really good in bed, really satisfy my partner, I would say it is very hard work.'

The interviewer asks the American,
'Is sex work or play?
' The American answers enthusiastically without thinking, 'Its the most fun a person can ever have and it is all play. Sex is play!!!

The interviewer asks the Saudi,
'Is sex work or play?'
The Saudi thinks for a moment and then replies, 'It is for sure play because if it was work , I would hire a Pakistani to do it !'
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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Re: Jokes

Postby OneLungMcClung » Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:18 pm

They've got this great new machine at the gym. I love this thing! I can only use it for 15 minutes before my stomach starts to hurt. But it's got everything I want:

Kit Kats, cans of coke, Twinkies, Snickers bars.........
Money Talks...
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Re: Jokes

Postby Chimborazo » Fri Feb 03, 2012 7:09 pm

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing. “The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? “I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
"The terrain is just too wiley coyote for me to risk it. Slam into arch, rope breaks, in the distance as I plummet 'meep meep'" -Caliban
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