Jokes

Expectorate your wit here.

Postby coldharvest » Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:42 pm

Two girls, Rosy and Nina are talking before going out.
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina,
"I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked,
"Why?"
Rosy answered,
"Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied,
"I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."
I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard.
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Postby Texas Carnie Roadshow » Thu Jan 26, 2006 11:13 pm

Image

Keep that in mind,

Not forbidden.
When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be.
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Postby tlcfj40 » Sat Jan 28, 2006 10:25 pm

Little johny can't sleep very good one night so he gets out of bed and gets his dad. "dad, dad" says johny. The father asks his son "whats bothering you?" johny tells his dad about the kids at school saying dirty words that he didn't know. little johny's father asks him "what words they where saying?" so little johny says "dad, they where saying pussy and cunt."

His dad just chuckles and trys not to laugh. so johny asks his dad "what is a pussy and what is a cunt?" johny's dad says "follow me son".

He takes little johny into his bedroom and pulls back the sheets on the bed and there is johny's mom sleeping naked. johny's dad says "do you see that harry thing between mommy's leggs?" little johny starts crying because he is horrified and says "yes dad". his dad replies "that is called a pussy". johny says "what is a cunt then dad? his father begins to cry and says "everything that surrounds it".
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby el3so » Wed Feb 01, 2006 12:27 am

just keeping this one alive, yet more c&p from thehun

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Postby tlcfj40 » Wed Feb 01, 2006 7:23 am

Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?

A: She's only wearing one sock.

*****************************************************

Q: How do you kill a redneck?

A: Wait 'till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.


*****************************************************

Q: Why are KFC and a woman the same?

A: When you're done eating them all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

*****************************************************

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?

A: Kick his sister in the chin.

*****************************************************
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None,they just sit in the dark and bitch
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby SRR » Thu Feb 09, 2006 6:32 am

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing
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Postby Pam » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:59 pm

A Pentecostal minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a rum & coke, which was poured and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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Postby tlcfj40 » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:31 am

Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

A: Acne doesn't come on a boys face untill after hes thirteen.

*****************************************************
Q: What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls?

A: When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

*****************************************************

Q: What's a homless woman use for a vibrator?

A: Two flies in a bottel.

*****************************************************
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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Postby shivers » Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:37 pm

goatballs walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

goatballs says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
We are miserable sinners,
Filthy fuckers,
Arseholes!
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Postby goat balls » Fri Feb 17, 2006 11:01 pm

Double GRRRRRRRRRRR

Kurt she's killing me. Make her stop.
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Postby shivers » Sat Feb 18, 2006 12:10 am

pussy
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Postby goat balls » Sat Feb 18, 2006 12:24 am

shivers wrote:pussy


heh

damn right

careful or you could wind up being breakfast lunch and dinner.
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Postby shivers » Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:52 am

I already am breakfast lunch & dinner.

That paypal addy: monsveneris@guolizhuang.tv
We are miserable sinners,
Filthy fuckers,
Arseholes!
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Postby el3so » Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:59 pm


That completes the "find an on-line woman, both sexy and smart" part of my quest...


Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy and he was talking to his lawyer.
"I don't understand, said Donald, "Daisy's not insane!"

"I didn't say that she was insane," replied the lawyer, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
she isn't a man you need to shut your fucking mouth little pussy bitch - random Youtube comment
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Postby Moosehead » Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:58 pm

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they meet.

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towelhead."
And all my promises are lies, all my love is hate
I am the politician, and I decide your fate
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