bullshit in the UK

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bullshit in the UK

Postby Fansy » Fri Dec 02, 2011 11:04 am

so im back from the 7-8 month stint in the UK. there are so many fukn things i could talk about, so many stupid fucking things generally dealin with the inefficiency of its bursting-at-the-seams bureaucracy or the hilarious 1-bird-with-15-stones mindset of the locals. o, i didnt have any problem with chavs, muslims, immigrants, or even the police. i bought a shitload of weed and really it was the only business/operation that impressed me because it made sense and worked on schedule without having 4 different managers that amongst themselves dont even know the equivalent of one single pile of shit whih situation is common on the island. you fuckin brits.

so, for example, cuz i was gettin married, some family comes into manchester from the US. i meet them at the airport and we get on the trainride back to fucksville sheffield. you know the deal, family all meeting the fiance for the first time, we're all sittin and chatting showin each other pictures and shit, ppl tryin to embarrass me with old photos and shit. all the sudden behind me in the cabin, i hear a crash/bang and i turn and look like everyone else. some brit has fallen out of the train bathroom, hit his head on the armrest of an _occupied_ adjacent chair, and is unceremoniously writhin on the ground. and im like o fuck not this shit again you fucking brits. my fam hasn't slept in like days from the flights and they dont know that these fuckin brits go everywhere drunk and retarded for no other reason than theyre miserable at squanderin their former empire and also because their weather is the worst horseshit weather that can be shat out of a goats ass. 4 sunny days the entire fuckin summer. what a shithole. anyways i quickly recognize that the brit might not be drunk, or may be drunk, but either way he's havin a fuckin seizure on his back 10 feet behind me in a train car packed full of people, half-in half-out of the bathroom, which although the door has only been open for 5 secs its already filled the whole cabin with the reek of brit-piss cuz apparently people piss all the fuck over themselves and the bathroom in the UK trains. which isnt fuckin surprising since they derail or emergency stop every 10 minutes.

im presented with a dilemma in that with this train car full of fuckin brits, all of them silently gawkin with that stupid close-mouthed, "i'll just pretend this isnt happening" brit response to emergencies, not a single fuckin person has stood up, said anything other than a few "oh right" or "dear me"...in fact, some of these shitbird south yorkshire ppl have _stopped_fucking_looking_. there is a man having a fucking seizure on the ground and ppl are like "o well as long as it doesnt interrupt my 5 oclock tea" or some shit. the douche-fucking-bag whose armchair the afflicted man's head collided with pulls his eyes away from the seizuring brit at his feet, returns his focus forward to the front of the car as if somehow that will make the loud smelly shaking sputtering seizurebrit just disappear. and i am not fuckin kiddin. what the fuck man, express something. not even showin fuckin disgust. this mother fucker. what kind of country grows up a fucker like that.

so next thing i know i'm outta my seat rolling this saggy seizuring brit onto his side because hes nearly frothing. out comes the blood spit and what looks like some chewed pieces of tongue onto the carpeted floor. now several traincar brits have turned back to watch because apparently its mildly interesting again, seeing that a fuckin american is doing their fuckin job. and they know im american not only because we've been loud and chatting on that dismal train for about 40 mins but also cause im calling out for someone to give me a pen/pencil so i can stop this guy from biting through the rest of his fucking tngue. and that asshole in the chair, he just gives me the shiteatingest "i dont have one, sorry" smile/shrug. holy shit you middleaged fuckin man youre about as useful as a lukewarm bucket of spit. fortunately his neighbr has a round metal pen which he parts with in eager anticipation. now this shitbird is the opposite of the first fucker, he cant wait to see me shove it in the dudes fuckin mouth. what a fuckin fag. hes like "here use it quickly get it in there" like a vulture, leaning over his robotic companion who i shit you not is fuckin starin straight forward still. these two brits are a fucking sight to see. the resolute fucker somehow has the wherewithal to move his shoes to avoid gettin seizurebrit juice on them even though he hasnt looked down again.

at this point, my bro is helpin hold the guy on his side but hes sorta in the way, mainly of the light, so i cant see this brits mouth, i can just hear the froth. plus his head is now almost under the seat. so anyways i need a fuckin flashlight to see this guys mouth to see if he really is biting off his tongue and how I can jam a pen in his grill. so i ask the traincar for some light....of course none of you fuckin brits even knows what the fuck im saying let alone responds with aything useful "oh my, a flashlight!" "what do you suppose a flashlight could be used for?" "perhaps the yank needs more light!?" "oh good show old chap by jove i think youre onto something". while these fuckin bridbrains are prattling away, my pops pulls out a small flashlight from his carry on tosses it to my bro, who gets it shining under the seat on britseizures face. i determine that the pen needs to go into his mouth immediately, and vulturebrit is basically standing on his seat and almost has an orgasm when i force it in. non-response brit is amazingly composed and staring intently and the back of the seat in front of him, like hes tryin to make it spontaneously combust with his mind. the seizure stops over the next 2 mins, his breathin is raspy but he seems to be okay. a nurse shows up from another car...because by this time, word has spread among the brit hens that one of their flock has fallen. another emt type shows up soon from the opposite direction, and a conductor type joins us to tell us theyre stopping at chinley station in order to wait for an ambulance, because apparently, in the car in fucking front of us_another_fucking_brit_ is having a heart attack on the floor too.

what the fuck. these fucking trains and brits. so we wait at chinley station for 60 FUCKIN MINUTES. by the time the ambulance guys show up, stand around for 10 mins, and decide how exactly to pull their thumbs outta their asses, seizurebrit is up and stumbling around, trying to go home (yeah right motherfucker you live on the fucking street). the train ride to sheffield from there was like 15 minutes, along with sheffield hospitals and ambulances and what not. are you fuckin kidding me?? seizurebrit wont say what his fuckin disability is, fucking liar, apparently disability cards in the UK dont say what the fuck is wrong with you. i assumed alcohol, aids, diabetes, or all 3, but motherfucker wont say shit and im like dude your shitblood and spit got all over the place at least give ppl a heads up. but im pretty sure it was aids he looked like a gay drug user. i think the other brit was srs and may have died, i dont know, some fuckin genius brit suggested i should go up to the other cabin to check on the other dying brit, and im like sure o yeah so i can catch another lawsuit/disease from your own fucking fellow countryman which you should be gettin off your fat frumpy ass to save you fuckin has-been nation of fuckall.

so as we made our way out of chinley station towards shitsville the conductor asks for my name/address/telephone/contact just in case they need some more info about the incident - yeah like where you can find me when you want to sue me for messing up your train carpet you worthless fucking administrator - and its like a 3 hour train ride from manchester to sheffield by now. the whole cabin smells like brit-piss permanently because i think the door is fuckin broken/stuck open, plus the water/soap doesnt even work and i know theres all sorts of aids in the air. somehwere in the commotion the original brit sitting next to the toilet left. that sneaky motherfucker, didnt do shit and got away before he got fuckin found out for being a giant turd or had to sign a piece of paper confirming he didnt do shit when another faggy brit collapsed and seizured on his shoes. o and the conductor said thanks, thanks for the help. but not a single brit in the car said a single british word to me regarding the incident, even though we were in the same place for over 2 hours. none of them even said "hey sorry about the state of our shitty country that you americans have to see how pathetic we truly live/are".

and not a single shit was given by anyone.

i got stories for days. these fuckin brits. how the fuck. how the fuckin fuck did these ridiculous fucks ever fuck over the entire world. these mother fuckers.
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Postby el3so » Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:04 pm

Top-notch rant.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Woodsman » Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:23 pm

Best post in a while. Love to chat a bit about this kinda thing when I get back. There are things that need changing over here for sure. You, my friend fansy are the solution to a lot of problems...but that's not always easy filling those shoes. The only way to solve a problem is to give a shit and act. It's selfless, a pita, but helps countless and wtf else r u gonna be doin?
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Woodsman » Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:25 pm

Add: seen a good deal in the short week I've been here - some parallels
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Fansy » Fri Dec 02, 2011 2:26 pm

i didnt act because i'm selfless. i fuckin had to. train full of geese that dont do shit and i got my fiance and my family there. i couldnt let shit go down unmolested when im supposed to be on watch and all. i was about to get married and had to show everyone my shit was on point, etc. plus i had got certified as an emt awhile ago and knew it was a relatively trivial ordeal as long as he didnt do somethin weird or die. and they didnt even fuckin move, most of them didnt even stand up to get a better view, just glanced back then glanced away as if the last person looking was responsible for cleaning up the mess. fuckers.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Kurt » Fri Dec 02, 2011 3:35 pm

You are awesome.

I used to work with epileptics and I would tell people that some siezures started like a giant "explosion" because every part of a person hits everything within hitting distance at once. Sounds like you had an exploder.

The bits of tongue were probably bits of his cheek. they usually only bite their tongue in the explosion phase.

The one siezure person I helped on the street in NYC people were tripping over themselves offering to help. I had a whole crew of people waiting for the EMTs, flagging cars out of the way of the street, answering questions by passerby to assure them no more help was needed. It was probably the only time in his life anyone gave a shit about the twitching hobo in the crosswalk, but at least people helped him then.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby JITW » Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:13 pm

Dude - Please let me put up a blog for you



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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Fansy » Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:34 pm

he actually fell out of the bathroom not like blew out the door. apparently he had barely wobbled in, somehow aware that shit was about to down. so i dont think he was an exploder - it wasnt that violent, he was just a tall brit like 6'3" or 6'4", and when he fell, he fell hard. it turns out it was mostly cheek and bits of the left side of his tongue. he dented one side of the pen, im not sure how since if he was clenchin that hard i shouldnt have been able to get the pen in there, but i guess they clench and unclench and i was able to push it in during a relaxed jaw moment. my bro actually got aids spit/blood on one of his hands cuz he wasnt careful, and i need to remind him to go check for every possible disease the dude coulda been carrying, since he wouldnt answer shit and apparently hes under no obligation to do so.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Chimborazo » Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:38 pm

JITW wrote:Dude - Please let me put up a blog for you



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Yes please.
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Postby el3so » Sat Dec 03, 2011 1:52 am

I met a really nice exotic dancer the other night at Fansy's bachelor party.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Ultra Swain » Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:09 am

I thought my wedding with its Temple of Doom style buffet, 2 story sound system, and bull slaughtering was tits, but I somehow think it would be a snooze compared to Fansy's.

Enjoy married life a few months before you knock her up k?
Geez,am I NOT ALLOWED TO BE INTENSE FOR JUST 10 FUCKING SECONDS??!!!!!!!
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby nowonmai » Sat Dec 03, 2011 4:07 pm

Sheffield, Manchester and everything in between and nearby are shitholes and trains are full of nutters/down and outs and British people ignore them at all costs on the basis that you'll probably get sued or punched for intervening?

I could have told you all those things and saved you 7-8 months of pain. Where are tyou moving to next, Camborne? What a fukn noob.
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby Fansy » Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:21 am

nowonmai wrote:Sheffield, Manchester and everything in between and nearby are shitholes and trains are full of nutters/down and outs and British people ignore them at all costs on the basis that you'll probably get sued or punched for intervening?


there's no point in helping if there's no risk involved
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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby flipflop » Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:47 am

Nothing worse than a bunch of whiny Yanks on a train, but there's always a nutter somewhere on a British train, usually more, to silence the norms. I went to Peterborough earlier this year with the football. On the carriage from London were us old boys, lots of younger fans on a serious drinking mission, a gaggle of stereotypical Yank tourists, and two smackheads who had travelled up from Brighton to see the match as well. The Yanks at the start were in full "Oh my Gad" sketch, rabbiting as loud as most tend to do; that was until the smackheads joined them as all the seats were taken by football lads chucking down the ale like it was going out of fashion. One skip rat, who was between 18 and 40, you can't tell when they're into their gear as much as these two obviously were, sat beside the Yanks and started picking horses from his paper for a bet in the bookies in Peterborough.

He had a bottle of lucozade on him too. Mid-sentence to his skag mate across the aisle and he stops and starts gouching like fuck, full slo-mo sketch, his jead dropping toward the fat Yank in the seat beside him. Just as his Lucozade is about to go over the Yank's strides he comes to, and carries on picking his horses like nothing's happened, 'facking' this and 'caant' that. This went on the whole way to Peterborough, sometimes he'd gouch into his bottle and just hover there in suspended animation, his face contorted with smack and his eyes closed, then snap out of it and carry on yapping. I was in total clip from laughing at him. The septics weren't so happy - a carriage full of noisy football boys young and old, and aggressive bouts of gouching from a small thin man in a coat and beanie hat far too big for his skeletal frame. The Yanks' faces were a picture, they couldn't have look more bewildered if they tried, a completely alien culture for them.

This is England, take it or leave it, I personally wouldn't want to be anywhere else

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Re: bullshit in the UK

Postby nowonmai » Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:06 am

Fansy wrote:
nowonmai wrote:Sheffield, Manchester and everything in between and nearby are shitholes and trains are full of nutters/down and outs and British people ignore them at all costs on the basis that you'll probably get sued or punched for intervening?


there's no point in helping if there's no risk involved


You styling yourself to be the first misogynistic antisuperhero? What was an unusual trip for you and the exciting opportunity to freestyle in front of future ex-wife's rellies was daily bread and butter for them. Like all veterans do they have reached the stage where they don't stop for the wounded or to gawp at the bodies. You'll get there.
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