The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

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The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Texas Carnie Roadshow » Fri Apr 15, 2011 10:58 pm

DOOMSDAY CULT, MEMBERS WANTED

Who hasn’t thought about being a charter member of a doomsday cult? You know you have! Look no further, friend. I’m thinking about starting a doomsday cult because of December 21st 2012, and that calendar that ends. We’re all going to perish and stuff, after all. I don’t have any members yet, but I want to get a head count before I order the robes, or whatever we’ll wear. If you’re interested, email me and let me know what size you are. Once I have enough interested potentials, I’ll check out what kind of cultish stuff is out there, and then we’ll have a group meeting to discuss the options.

I don’t have everything figured out yet, so bear with me. There’s more information about the cult below, though. I don’t have an FAQ area or anything, -or a website - so if you have any questions, just ask. Also, when you email me give me a little bit of information about yourself, likes and dislikes, family status, etc. so I can start to get a feel for what kind of doomsday cult we’re going to be. Plus, if you’ve ever been in a cult before, let me know. I have a few questions for you.

We do have a little over a year and a half left of course, so I was thinking that we’d have a private meeting place with a pool table, like the VFW hall, but we should probably get a nice one, you know? It’s only money. It’s not like we can use it when we’re all dead because of the end of the world and all, right? Haha! Yeah… There’ll have to be membership fees, because beer and pool tables aren’t free, you know. I guess the cost of the doomsday cult membership will kind of depend upon how many of us there are, and how ambitious we end up being about the whole thing. I mean, if there are only like ten of us, a whole secret meeting place complete with a pool table and beer on tap might be a little costly, so if anyone has a basement with a pool table in it or parents who do, please let me know.

The official cult garb is kinda up in the air really, but here are a few thoughts. For our official uniforms, I don’t want anything that would require me to change out of my regular clothes. I mean, this is a lifetime commitment I guess, but changing out of my street clothes for every cult meeting we have is just going to be so tedious. I’m thinking that we should get some big ol’ wooly robes with giant hoods, Friar Tuck-style. I don’t want brown, though. I’m thinking black, or black with a different-colored trim. Black is a good doomsday cult color, though. It needs to completely cover up our work clothes so outsiders don’t think we’re regular people. That way, we can wear comfortable clothing underneath and no one will notice. I’ll make sure they’re lined with something so they’re not itchy, but outsiders will look at them and think “Wow. Those are wool robes. They look really itchy, but those doomsday guys are so tough that they aren’t even scratching at all!” I think it’ll add to our mystique, like we’re some kind of mysterious druid people with anti-wool-itch superpowers or something. This will all be open for discussion at the initiation meeting. *

*The initiation meeting date is yet to be determined; depends on how much interest this ad generates.

We should probably carry something mysterious when we go out in public for candid Bigfoot-style paparazzi shots or public demonstrations, like some kind of “religious” artifacts or something. Maybe a walking staff with something carved on it would do the trick. That might be too big, though. Oooh! Sword canes! Please indicate in your email if you’re psyched at all about sword canes. Anyway, we should have marching processions through the city where we chant stuff. I’m not really good with Latin or any language other than English. I’m thinking we just make shit up that sounds like language. We’ll tell people it’s the language of … some super-ancient civilization that was visited by aliens or just aliens, and then absolutely refuse to translate it for them. Just saying “aliens” would probably make things easier, actually. Oh yeah, indicate in your email if you’ve ever applied to the city for a demonstration permit before also.

We’re gonna need to do some marketing for this cult as well, so first of all, we’ll need a logo. No doomsday cult is successful without a sweet logo, I think. I’m not really sure, but it makes sense to me. As a charter member, you’ll have input on everything, so if you like to doodle, see if you can’t come up with something to present at the first meeting. I was thinking we could use that guy in the middle of that old South American calendar with his tongue sticking out. Who was that, the Aztecs or Mayans? I’m just kidding, of course. I don’t care at all who they were. We should just take that guy and use him as our symbol, especially since this cult is going to be totally based on that calendar, anyway. When they ask us why we don’t know anything about that old civilization that made the calendar, we’ll just say that we aren’t affiliated with them. We’ll say we got ours from aliens and suggest that maybe they did, too. Any better ideas should be indicated in your email or brought up at the first meeting. I do want to make stickers with our symbol on it and put them everywhere for notoriety and brand recognition, like that guy who did that with that image of Andre the Giant’s face that got all famous, but nobody knew why. We’re totally gonna be a super-secret society, of course, but we’ll be one of those super-secret societies that isn’t shy about being discovered or advertising. I haven’t thought much about the name yet, either. The press is pretty good at naming cults, so I was just gonna wait until we got on the map and then wait and see what the reporters come up with. If it sucks, we can always issue some kind of press release with a cooler name. Expenses are probably not going to be something that we’ll want to cover completely on our own, so I’m thinking bake sales or some other fund-raising avenue is in order and we’ll want to put our logo on our products.


Oh yeah, that brings me to our officially-sanctioned doomsday cult beliefs. In order to join, you HAVE to believe that the world will end on December twenty-first, 2012, or at least be willing to say you do to outsiders. It really doesn’t matter, I mean why do you think we’re all gonna have big robes on? It’s so nobody can tell who we really are. Imagine if it doesn’t happen! Boy would we be ridiculed! I’m thinking we just keep the identity of our members kinda hush-hush. We’ll be like Superman; with the robes off, we’re just mild-mannered regular people. Once we put those robes on though, …look out. I can’t think of anything intimidating to put there. The point is, if we don't all die horribly, we'll already be branded and everything! We change our name to something that reflects the fact that we convinced the aliens to let Earth live and we can sell them just about anything, then. Seriously, I’m not really interested in the beliefs part at all. We’ll have to have some kinds of rituals that we can “leak” to the press by sending in anonymous video tapes, and something mysterious for public demonstrations, but I really don’t want to actually do stuff when we’re all just hanging out.

Geez, I almost forgot about the most important part. This isn’t going to be one of those suicide-style cults. I’m not really interested in drinking poison or anything. The meeting hall should definitely have a tapper with a fresh keg on the other end, though. That’s about as poisoned as I intend to get. Seriously, I mean, if it looks like 12.21.12 is going to hurt really badly, like if we have to burn to death or something, maybe we should just get ready to “transform” or whatever by getting really baked and making a game of it, like every time one of us dies, you have to drink. Otherwise, I say we just ride it out at the clubhouse, drinking beer, shooting pool… we could have more than that, of course. I just haven’t put a lot of thought into it yet.

Anyway, I think we're going to have a lot of fun irritating outsiders and having bake sales, playing pool and drinking beer or just finding other ways to tell the world that we're all doomed. Oh, I'm sure we'll be met with a little bit of disbelief, but once 12.21.2012 rolls around, we'll show them!

Adam

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When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Caliban » Sat Apr 16, 2011 10:24 am

Who hasn’t thought about being a charter member of a doomsday cult?


er, me. Why? because its all bollocks.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby gnaruki » Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:52 am

It wouldn't be surprising if some mock-ironic cults popped up. They would just be planning groups for 2012 parties. With how boozey the weeks surrounding Christmas are this is sure to be a wacky evening.

I wonder if there are enough 2012 believers to make a dent in holiday spending? HAHA! This is a conspiracy but on by the credit card industry to run consumers into huge debt!
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby friendlyskies » Sun Apr 17, 2011 6:58 pm

This is funny. A lot of the 2012 stuff is not, though. Sure, I understand that most people are promoting it because they worship money, but their moron followers may actually believe some of the crap they're spewing. That's what bothers me.

See, the Mayan imperial government was batshit insane. The way to appease their various gods was with human sacrifice. Not just a virgin or two, either - for something like this, the end of a "world" on the calendar, it would be huge. Just for regular New Year's parties, they'd kidnap 1000 people at a time - men, women, children - drug them, then sacrifice them by ripping out their still-beating hearts in front of screaming, praying, ecstatic crowds. No joke, those fuckers made the Old Testament psychopaths look sane.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'd laugh it off too, but remember when everyone thought 2000 was the end of the world? I had a landlord who sold all her properties, donated all the money to some charity, then went out to some compound in the woods, stocked with MREs and guns and whatnot, to wait out armageddon. Of course, nothing happened and she went from rich to poor in a matter of months. It was hilarious - but remember, they were touting the survivalist aspect of mitigating particular apocalypse (all them computers is gonna collapse), so the idiots who believed it just bought survivalist shit. No problem. In this case, the only way to avert disaster - the end of the world! - is by murdering people. Lots of people.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Texas Carnie Roadshow » Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:36 pm

I enjoyed my Y2K experience.
Getting drunk in a bar in Tongdu'chon, South Korea.
Good times.
When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby friendlyskies » Mon Apr 18, 2011 12:32 am

Mine was good too, except our new landlord cut down my favorite tree shortly afterward. *sigh*
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y2k was a lame hoax

Postby el3so » Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:52 pm

I remember being hung-over and disappointed about the lack of crashed computers and air-planes.

First 3 pages of Goatballs' remote viewing monks thread are still a TFHC classic.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Texas Carnie Roadshow » Tue Apr 19, 2011 1:01 am

I always figured if the computers went all wonky, we would've been fucked, since North Korea would have only had to turn off their three Apple IIe's and life would have continued as normal.
When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams - -this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all - -to see life as it is and not as it should be.
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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Sri Stubby » Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:57 am

"Start a Doomsday Cult"

...and then feed fuel to the doom so that the day of doom never actually arrives....unless it's the day you get married.

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Re: The Best, or Worst, Way to Start a Doomsday Cult

Postby Woodsman » Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:02 pm

Cult = extremely sound economic venture. Just ask the Catholic church.
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