Once you pop you can't stop
http://www.plot-generator.org.uk/movie-script/Naughty Svizzerams
A Screenplay by Bellend
INT. BLACK FLAG CAFE - AFTERNOON
Hirsute anal bleacher MISS JOHNNY FISHFINGER is arguing with rank maneater MS FRIENDLY SKIES. JOHNNY tries to hug FRIENDLY but he shakes her off.
JOHNNY
Please Friendly, don't leave me.
FRIENDLY
I'm sorry Johnny, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
JOHNNY
I am such a person!
FRIENDLY frowns.
FRIENDLY
I'm sorry, Johnny. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
FRIENDLY leaves.
JOHNNY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, lush pig inseminator PRIVATE RICK SHAW barges in looking flustered.
JOHNNY
Goodness, Rick! Is everything okay?
RICK
I'm afraid not.
JOHNNY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
RICK
It's ... a Svizzerams ... I saw an evil Svizzerams shag a bunch of flaggers!
JOHNNY
Defenseless flaggers?
RICK
Yes, defenseless flaggers!
JOHNNY
Bloomin' heck, Rick! We've got to do something.
RICK
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JOHNNY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
RICK
I was...
RICK fans himself and begins to wheeze.
JOHNNY
Focus Rick, focus! Where did it happen?
RICK
Penta's Grotto! That's right - Penta's Grotto!
JOHNNY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JOHNNY rushes along the street, followed by RICK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. PENTA'S GROTTO - SHORTLY AFTER
JEFF Q a naughty Svizzerams terrorises two flaggers.
JOHNNY, closely followed by RICK, rushes towards JEFF, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
RICK
What is is? What's the matter?
JOHNNY
That's not just any old Svizzerams, that's Jeff Q!
RICK
Who's Jeff Q?
JOHNNY
Who's Jeff Q? Who's Jeff Q? Only the most naughty Svizzerams in the universe!
RICK
Blinkin' knickers, Johnny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most naughty Svizzerams in the universe!
JOHNNY
You can say that again.
RICK
Blinkin' knickers, Johnny! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most naughty Svizzerams in the universe!
JOHNNY
I'm going to need banhammer, lots of banhammer.
Jeff turns and sees Johnny and Rick. He grins an evil grin.
JEFF
Johnny Fishfinger, we meet again.
RICK
You've met?
JOHNNY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JOHNNY is sitting in a park listening to some Razorlight music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees JEFF. She takes off her headphones.
JEFF
Would you like some Toblerone?
JOHNNY's eyes light up, but then he studies JEFF more closely, and looks uneasy.
JOHNNY
I don't know, you look kind of naughty.
JEFF
Me? No. I'm not naughty. I'm the least naughty Svizzerams in the world.
JOHNNY
Wait, you're a Svizzerams?
JOHNNY runs away, screaming.
INT. PENTA'S GROTTO - PRESENT DAY
JEFF
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
RICK
(To JOHNNY) You ran away?
JOHNNY
(To RICK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JOHNNY turns to JEFF.
JOHNNY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JOHNNY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
JOHNNY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with banhammer.
JEFF
I'm not scared of you.
JOHNNY
You should be.
EXT. COLDHARVEST'S CABIN - LATER THAT DAY
JOHNNY and RICK walk around searching for something.
JOHNNY
I feel sure I left my banhammer somewhere around here.
RICK
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly banhammer.
JOHNNY
You know nothing Rick Shaw.
RICK
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, JEFF appears, holding a pair of banhammer.
JEFF
Looking for something?
RICK
Crikey, Johnny, he's got your banhammer.
JOHNNY
Tell me something I don't already know!
RICK
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JOHNNY
I know that already!
RICK
I slept with the whole BFC.
JEFF
(appalled) Dude!
While JEFF is looking at RICK with disgust, JOHNNY lunges forward and grabs her deadly banhammer. He wields them, triumphantly.
JOHNNY
Prepare to die, you naughty onion!
JEFF
No please! All I did was shag a bunch of flaggers!
FRIENDLY enters, unseen by any of the others.
JOHNNY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those flaggers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Johnny Fishfinger defender of innocent flaggers.
JEFF
Don't hurt me! Please!
JOHNNY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these banhammer on you right away!
JEFF
Because Johnny, I am your father.
JOHNNY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
JOHNNY
No you're not!
JEFF
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
JEFF tries to grab the banhammer but JOHNNY dodges out of the way.
JOHNNY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, JEFF slumps to the ground.
RICK
Did he just faint?
JOHNNY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly banhammer.
JOHNNY crouches over JEFF's body.
RICK
Be careful, Johnny. It could be a trick.
JOHNNY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jeff Q is dead!
JOHNNY
What?
JOHNNY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
RICK claps his hands.
RICK
So your banhammer did save the day, after all.
FRIENDLY steps forward.
FRIENDLY
Is it true? Did you kill the naughty Svizzerams?
JOHNNY
Friendly how long have you been...?
FRIENDLY puts his arm around JOHNNY.
FRIENDLY
Long enough.
JOHNNY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jeff Q.
FRIENDLY
Then the flaggers are safe?
JOHNNY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable flaggers enter, looking relived.
FRIENDLY
You are their hero.
The flaggers bow to JOHNNY.
JOHNNY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Jeff Q will never shag flaggers ever again, is enough for me.
FRIENDLY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the flaggers passes JOHNNY a ghey avatar
FRIENDLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JOHNNY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JOHNNY
Well, if you insist.
JOHNNY takes the avatar.
JOHNNY
Thank you.
The flaggers bow their heads once more, and leave.
JOHNNY turns to FRIENDLY.
JOHNNY
Does this mean you want me back?
FRIENDLY
Oh, Johnny, of course I want you back!
JOHNNY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
JOHNNY
Well you can't have me.
FRIENDLY
WHAT?
JOHNNY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Svizzerams to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
FRIENDLY
But...
JOHNNY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Rick.
RICK grins.
FRIENDLY
But...
RICK
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
FRIENDLY
Johnny?
JOHNNY
I'm sorry Friendly, but I think you should skidaddle.
FRIENDLY leaves.
RICK turns to JOHNNY.
RICK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JOHNNY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly RICK stops.
RICK
When I said I slept with the whole BFC, you know I was just trying to distract the Svizzerams don't you?
THE END